Friday, March 26, 2010


26 March 2010

Hi Everyone!

Happy Passover, Happy Easter, Happy Everything! Hope you get a chuckle out of these!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
• Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
• Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
• Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
• BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
• Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
• Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
• Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
• Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
• Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the Joker via SymanSays – Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reasons Why The English Language Is Such Fun To Learn:

** The farm was used to produce produce.
** He could lead if he could get the lead out.
** Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
** When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
** There was a row among the oarsman about how to row.
** They were too close to the door to close it.
** A buck does funny things when the does are present.
** After a number of injections my jaw got number.
** Upun seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
** How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.


What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If many people get to really liking the President and his following increases, might there be a "Barackacy?"
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Guitarists fret a lot.
The ladies who carry tiny dogs in their purses inspire us to make a new word: pooch pouch.
I had a job in the spice factory, but it was seasonal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband, He's still not seeing things my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Bless Me, Father for I have sinned... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck Yard Swing



A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . ..
. but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Redneck Cooler


How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies ......"Go ahead."

Redneck Cellar


Redneck Garden



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks
to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Redneck Time Out


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because..." she replied ...
"I really miss mine"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., November 21, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Go to the Restroom by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.




+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, March 19, 2010

19 March 2010

19 March 2010

Hi Everyone!
Terrific -- enjoy ‘em! Spring is here!
:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Syman Says – Thought for the Day
• Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
• Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
• Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
• Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
• cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
• Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
• Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
• Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
• Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Ssyman Says – Thought for the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk your ear off.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one.. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – How Do You Know When Love Fades?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie?
Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "Piss off". You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – 3 Little Boys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – The Kissing Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I 'm
Catholic!"

"OK," the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – 9 Months Later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney...It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

Yes, I do.' said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister – This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr Imberman – The Miracle of Toilet Paper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Ed’s Proverbs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Note to Ed – I know you saw these … and liked them!)

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – Marriage Humour
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour!'
-------------------------------
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trousers pocket'.

The man then said When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'*

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A Quickie Funny on a Monday

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Sunday, March 7, 2010

07 March 2010

7 March 2010 (Sunday)

Dear Earth -
I degenerated on Friday because I was really busy on Thursday and needed sleep on Friday. So I figured I'd get the funnies out on Saturday ... but it was BEAUTIFUL outside, and so, as in my youth, spring fever sprung.

Anyway, here's a couple of goodies I got TODAY ... hope you like 'em ... and I promise to do better next Friday!

:) dr bernie


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
• Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
• Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
• Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
• Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
• Steven Imberman - The Law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Paul Keister - Irish Invasion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.

We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured
personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!


We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.


My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..


And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

Whoa ,says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day..
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Old Timers Sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well..'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence…
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver - Florida Biker Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane Lederman - Hollywood Squares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - An Old Pilot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' What are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Gaylannie - Retarded Grandparents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks; they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wreck center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Steven Imberman - The Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Court Responses - These are a hoot!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for
last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

IN
GOD WE TRUST