Friday, September 23, 2011



Friday, September 23, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


Lotsa pictures at the beginning and at the end  this week … get ready to laugh!   J DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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·      Richard Sziede – This is My Goal
·      John Meeker – Donkey in the Well
·      John Meeker – New Scam
·      Fred Silver – Computer Error
·      Chas Young – Call to the Vet
·      Steve Hirsch – New Condoms
·      Alberto Ramos – Investments 2012
·      Chas Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
·      Jill via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….
·      Ken – Texting for Seniors
·      Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define Irony for Me

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From Richard Sziede – This is My Goal
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From John Meeker – Donkey in the Well
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and saw something amazing. He was astonished. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW -------- Enough of that...

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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From  John Meeker – New Scam
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A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Target customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few odds and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Target or Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and 24th. Also Sept 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, please be careful during these trying times.

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From Fred Silver – Computer Error
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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have
trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric,
the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but none the
less enquired ,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I
need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of
an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

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From Chas Young – Call to the Vet
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat," agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.  

As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens to dogs when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and was perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
 
"It just worked for me" he replied.

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From Steve Hirsch – New Condoms
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A great read.


NEW CONDOMS   =  

From Alberto Ramos – Investments 2012
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(Aside: The Internet is amazing – Al & I have been friends since 5th grade!)

Investment tips for 2012:

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.

If you have any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace .

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang


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From Chas Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.  Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.  Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.  The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she replied, "I really feel like shit."

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From Jill via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and
everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't
find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new
penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000
an inch."

The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But
I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this
is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If
you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

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From Ken – Texting for Seniors
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Texting for Seniors:

* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define Irony for Me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












  










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Have a terrific weekend!
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

10 Sep 2011



The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at
http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 
The archives will one day reside again at
http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
10 September 2011
Hi Everyone!  
Yeah yeah, it’s Saturday not Friday … I’m a little slow … but you know that already!  Hope you have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From  
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  • Annie Shum & from Subhash Agrawal – Will Everyone Get This?
  • FeedBlitz – How Empathy Happens
  • Chas Young – Reminiscing About the Good Old Days
  • Tom Sokolowski – I Dialed a Number & Got the Following Recording
  • Fred Silver – My Life Broken Down Into Segments
  • Tom Sokolowski – Can You Read This?
  • Joel Goldstein – High Holidays Chuckle
  • Tom Sokolowski – Good Quote
  • Barbara Rosenberg – Some Web Humor
  • Joanne Tenaglio – Happy Anniversary


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fROM Annie Shum & from Subhash Agrawal – Will Everyone Get This?
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Didja Get It?


















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fROM FeedBlitz – How Empathy Happens
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 fROM Chas Young – Reminiscing About the Good Old Days
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – I Dialed a Number & Got the Following Recording
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I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
**************************************************
A small boy recently wrote to Santa Claus saying," send me a brother."
Santa wrote him back saying, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant,
Panic is when both are pregnant at the same time.
**************************************************
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory, and these are customer complaints".
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
The dad replies, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year:
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied

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fROM Fred Silver – My Life Broken Down Into Segments
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Can You Read This?
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Have you seen this before? It's fascinating. After a couple of minutes adjusting most people can read this almost as fast as properly spelled words.

No Problem at All.........

Morse  Code is this way too.  The great code operators didn't separate the letters but actually heard the words or, in some cases entire sentences.
This will put your dyslexia into a catatonic fit!

eonvrye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad. 


Isn’t it interesing that only boys have their hands up?  
To my  'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you  can read the following paragraph, forward it on to  your friends and the person that sent it to you  with 'yes' in the subject line..

This is weird, but interesting!
fi  yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid  too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe  out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee  taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was  rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,  aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,  it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a  wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the  frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The  rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid  deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod  as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot  slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs  forwrad it

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU  CAN READ IT
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fROM Joel Goldstein – High Holidays Chuckle
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Since we’re only two weeks or so away from the High Holy Days, might as well remind you …
"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?"
"No, governor. This is Yom Kippur."
"Well, hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"




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f
ROM Tom Sokolowski – Good Quote
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"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand."
--Milton Friedman, American economist and Nobel Prize recipient








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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Some Web Humor
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fROM Joanne Tenaglio – Happy Anniversary
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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . .

Bob has been missing since Friday!


 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
 Email:
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.