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11 September 2009
Hi Everyone!
Sorry for the delay in getting these out, but I was somewhat under the weather last week … and apologies to all of you who sent me jokes that I just couldn’t get to ‘cause I fell behind.
But think positive … another weekend is coming up soon! Happy Rosh Hashonnah to everyone … don’t fill up on gefilte fish!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister – Patience & Wisdom
• SymanSays – Smile It Does the Body Good
• Indexed – Not Lookin’ Good
• Neil Stenlake – Earthquake
• Stan Kegel – The Job Interview
• Tom Sokolowski – New Store
• Denny Adams – Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
• Dr Steven – Dowry
• Maureen Zack – A Visit to Israel
• Denny Adams - Girl at the Beach
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fROM Paul Keister – Patience & Wisdom
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Two of the greatest qualities in life are:
Patience and Wisdom.
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fROM SymanSays – Smile It Does the Body Good
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SMILE, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD: -from bigguyhereagain-
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
'Well, I think I have to throw up."
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returnd to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly."
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"
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fROM Indexed – Not Lookin’ Good
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fROM Neil Stenlake - Earthquake
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless British generosity.
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fROM Stan Kegel – The Job Interview
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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?".
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics.
"And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Store
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Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a**-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'
Seniors - don't mess with them.
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fROM Denny Adams – Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
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1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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fROM Dr Steven – Dowry
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. , has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he’s won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support
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fROM Maureen Zack – A Visit to Israel
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A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel .
By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel , and he came home a Christian.
What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons..
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice.
"I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
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fROM Denny Adams - Girl at the Beach
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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