Friday, February 25, 2011

25 Feb 2011

This Week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES bY dR bERNIE

The current and recent issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com   (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

Sign up for a lifetime free email subscription at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com – I promise to never share the list with anyone or anything for any reason whatsoever!  This is JUST JOKES – no begging, no pleading, no selling – JUST JOKES!
 
The archives will return to http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net someday soon! 
The machine went belly up but I have a backup that's resting.

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

25 February 2011
Hi Everyone!  

Rain, rain, go away ... and don't come back for a long time ... and take the winds with you!  Ugh!


Have a great weekend!


:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  -  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  •  Stan Kegel via SyH - Glorious Giggles
  •  Eliane Lederman - When to Start Cussing
  •  MVanDriessen via SyH - Name Please
  •  Hank Levine via Barry - A Sad Passing
  •  Tom Sokolowski - Siamese Twins Walk into a Bar
  •  FeedBlitz - Knocked Off Your Feet
  •  Fred Silver - Andy Gray's Resignation Letter
  •  Tom Sokolowski - Mrs Hughes 
  •  Sokolowski - Golf is Easy
  •  Barry - Witicisms of Ignorance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel via SyH - Glorious Giggles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glorious Giggles:  -From Stan Kegel-

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes."
She asked me.

"Single click or double click?"
________

Teacher: "Max, use 'defeat,' 'defence,' and 'detail' in a sentence."

Max: "When the rabbit cut across the field, defeat went over defence before detail."
_________

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said,  "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said,

"You know, I just heard a discouraging word."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eliane Lederman - When to Start Cussing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old
asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4
year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast,

he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM  MVanDriessen via SyH - Name Please
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A country traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the
posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs.
Ladislov Abdulkhashim Zybkcicrasnovskaya from the Republic of Ubekistan,
visiting my daughter at Columbia.
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said,

"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry - A Sad Passing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota . Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and, share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM  Tom Sokolowski - Siamese Twins Walk into a Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Siamese  twins  walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar  stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're  joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Bubba. Two Molson Canadian beers,  draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to  make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday  yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to  England every year, rent a
car and drive for miles.  Don't we,  Bubba?".   Bubba agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful  country... The history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we  don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and  Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Bubba?  And we can't stand the  English -- they're so
arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going  to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Bubba gets to drive."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM  FeedBlitz - Knocked Off Your Feet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love?  Broken Elevator?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM  Fred Silver - Andy Gray's Resignation Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........

I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a
job that I've loved doing.

However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my
friend that I was going to tell on air next week.

You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of
teenage boys.

One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the
field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss." he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"

Yours sincerely.

Andy Gray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - Mrs Hughes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Standup from a mom who tells it like it is!  5 min & worth it!
http://blip.tv/file/4814582











~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM  Sokolowski - Golf is Easy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


http://blip.tv/file/4814568







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM  Barry - Witicisms of Ignorance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.

when blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you..

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..

<> One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:

At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

You know why a banana is like a politician?

When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten...

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.


 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. 

No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                  ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

18 Feb 2011

This Week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES bY dR bERNIE

The current and recent issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com   (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
Sign up for a lifetime free email subscription at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com – I promise to never share the list with anyone or anything for any reason whatsoever!  This is JUST JOKES – no begging, no pleading, no selling – JUST JOKES!
 
The archives will return to http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net someday soon! 
The machine went belly up but I have a backup).

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

18 February 2011
Hi Everyone!  

A short blast of spring today ... which makes me degenerate!  Hope the weekend has the same effect on you!


:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  -  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Sokolowski – How is Norma
  • Sokolowski – A Real Woman
  • SymanSays – Joke of the Day
  • Feedblitz – Clean Water for All
  • Daymiller via Sokolowski – David is being Returned
  • SymanSays – English Language – Easy?
  • Feedblitz  - Sickened by Saliva Swapping
  • SymanSays – Making Some Money Over the Summer
  • Daymiller via Sokolowski – What a Prank
  • Daymiller via Sokolowski – High School Reunion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – How is Norma?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sweet grandmother telephoned  St. Joseph 's Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" 

The operator  said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room  302."

The operator  replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes,  the operator  returned to the phone and said,"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother  said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
 
The operator  replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" 

The grandmother  said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski – A Real Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM SymanSays – Joke of the Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign Language: -From Reader's Digest, Laughter the Best Medicine II-

The New Jersey Trail Conference was preparing to move from its longtime home in New York City to Mahwah, N.J. The day before the big move, the following sign appeared on the door:

"Here today, gone to Mahwah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Clean Water for All
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/card2815.jpg


















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Daymiller via Sokolowski – David is being Returned
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David Is To Be Returned To Italy.  A bit of cultural news for a welcome change. 
After a two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy...   


Original David

David: 2 Years Later















































His Proud Sponsors were:

Starbucks
Burger King
 
McDonalds







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – English Language – Easy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz  - Sickened by Saliva Swapping
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/card2812.jpg
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – Making Some Money Over the Summer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young student was trying to earn some money over the summer. He knocked at the door of a rich man's house and asked if there was anything he could do.
"Yes, the man replied, you can paint the porch. The paint and brushes are in the garage." Three hours later, the student came back and reported.

"Well, it's all painted but I gotta tell you, that's  not a Porshe,

it's a Ferrarri."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Daymiller via Sokolowski – What a Prank
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Z:\Documents\Outlook Temp\gags_.wmv



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Daymiller via Sokolowski – High School Reunion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Z:\Documents\Outlook Temp\High_School_Reunion.wmv








 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010.  All Rights Reserved.



Friday, February 11, 2011

11 FEB 2011 - Valentine's Day special?

This Week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES ...
The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

11 February 2011
Hi Everyone!  
Still too cold for me … did the groundhog see his shadow?  And what does it mean if he did???  WHERE’S SOME WARM WEATHER???
HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Maureen O'Brien via SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2011 when... 
  • Feedblitz - Funny-Ew Or Funny-Ha
  • Barry – No Explanation Required
  • cousin Eliane – Airline Pilot and the Priest
  • Tom Sokolowski – New Truck – It’s a Beauty
  • Pastor Tim via SymanSays - The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
  • FeedBlitz – Knocked Off Your Feet
  • Fred Silver – Andy Gray’s Resignation Letter
  • VanDriesen – Golf Joke
  • Irving – Honey Could You Shovel the Driveway?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM   Maureen O'Brien via SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2011 when... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You E-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
   that they don't have E-mail addresses.

6.  You pull up in your driveway and use your cell phone to see if
    anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
    screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
   have the first 20 or 30 or (50) years of your life, is now cause
   for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz - Funny-Ew Or Funny-Ha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/card2809.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM Barry – No Explanation Required
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz 
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the 
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent 
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
 
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
 
"A check," replied the guide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – Airline Pilot and the Priest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest dies and is waiting in  line at the Pearly Gates  Ahead of him  is a guy who's dressed  in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and  jeans.

 Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may  know  whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? 'The guy replies,  'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston

 Saint Peter consults his  list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take  this silken robe  and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'  The pilot goes  into  Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's  turn.  He stands erect and booms out, 'I am  Father Bob, pastor  of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.'   Saint Peter  consults his list.  He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton  robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

 'Just a minute,' says  the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets  a silken robe and  golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can  this  be?

'Up here - we go by  results,' says Saint Peter.  'When you preached -  people  slept.   When he flew, people  prayed.'





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Truck – It’s a Beauty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Pastor Tim via SymanSays - The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1.  Just one God.

2.  Honor your Ma & Pa.

3.  No telling tales or gossipin'.

4.  Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

5.  No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

6.  Put nothin' before God.

7.  No killin'.

8.  Watch yer mouth

9.  Don't take what ain't yers.

10. Don't be hankerin' for your buddy's stuff.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM FeedBlitz – Knocked Off Your Feet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/card2810.jpg




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Andy Gray’s Resignation Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........

I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a job that I've loved doing.

However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.

You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys.

One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss." he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"

Yours sincerely.

Andy Gray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM VanDriesen – Golf Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into some other woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club pro had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied.

"What game are you playing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Irving – Honey Could You Shovel the Driveway?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lead, South Dakota –



+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.



Saturday, February 5, 2011




This Week in the Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie ...



Friday, February 4, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Better late than never?  Hope you get the laughs you need!
   J Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Paul Keister – Texas Compassion
  • MP via Barry – First Grade Drawing
  • cousin Eliane – Dear Egypt
  • Tom Sokolowski – I Miss Being a Little Boy!
  • Sokolowski – Romantic Dinner
  • Feedblitz – Covens and Covenents
  • Tom Sokolowski – The Kiss
  • Denny Adams - The Moonshiner
  • Fred Silver – Why We Should Consume the Vine
  • Tom Sokolowski – POOF and the Light Goes Off
  • Joanne Tenagio – How Do You Know Its Time to Stop Driving?
  • SymanSays – A Holy Laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Paul Keister – Texas Compassion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Eyes of Texas are Upon You.

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.  As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin (means: “getting ready to” in Suthren) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
 

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
 

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
 

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
 

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
 

She replied, ''Well bless your heart; just go ahead and jump you little Yankee bastard!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From MP via Barry – First Grade Drawing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.





The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.  She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,
   I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This drawing is on my selling a shovel!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From cousin Eliane – Dear Egypt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Egypt,

Please don't destroy the pyramids, because we will not re-build them.

Signed,

The Jews


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – I Miss Being a Little Boy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – Romantic Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz – Covens and Covnants
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/card2806.jpg





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – The Kiss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops.
 
What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
 
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity either..
                     
He asked  "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
 
So, a kiss he gets, long, slow, passionate..
 
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss
I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.  You could be famous. Why
are you committing suicide?"
 
 
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
                


The Biker threw himself off the bridge!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Denny Adams - The Moonshiner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, as she transported her product to the black market, she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road. A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her. 

He was unaware of her illegal activities and remained in the dark throughout the course of the growing friendship which ensued. In due course, they even became lovers with him completely unaware of her activities.

One evening, the government raided her place of business and arrested her. Her young lover was with her when she was arrested and suddenly became aware of her past. The officers then transported her to the local county jail where she remained overnight.

Tommy came to visit her in the morning and as he left the sheriff asked him: “I guess this will change your feelings about her, won’t it lad?”

Tommy’s response was quick and emphatic. He turned to the sheriff and simply said: “She may be only a whiskey maker, but I love her still.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – Why We Should Consume the Vine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. 

And those who don't and are always
 
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, 
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 
1 litre of water each day, 
At the end of the year we would have absorbed 
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria 
Found in feces. 
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, 
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer 
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) 
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process 
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: 
I'm doing it as a public service
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joanne Tenagio – How Do You Know Its Time to Stop Driving?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – POOF and the Light Goes Off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POOF and the light goes off 

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical.  All of his test results come back normal.  
 

The doctor says, "Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"

Gary  replies, "God and I are tight.  
 
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on.  When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls  Gary's wife. 
"Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"

"OH MY GOD!" Marianne exclaims.  
 
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!!!"   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays – A Holy Laugh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Holy Laugh:

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know  about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindcergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the taecher asked.

"You know-Our Father, who does art in heaven..."



~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!