Friday, August 26, 2011

26 August 2011




Friday, August 26, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


Hurricane Irene is coming tomorrow ...There are no batteries or flashlights in the state of New Jersey.  I have been boiling water ... but don't really know what to do with it all.  My wife has been out all day ... I thought she was scouring the stores for emergency supplies ... turns out she went shopping at the antique/used furniture store ... like I need a table to weather the hurricane!    :) DrB

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Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Fred Silver – After 40 Years …
  • Chas Young – Getting Work Over 50
  • Linda Wright – Letter to Mum
  • Clark Kidd – Cashing a Check
  • Chas Young – Best Diet Yet
  • Joanne Tenaglio – Redneck Security System
  • Random Jokes – Child of Divorce
  • StevenI – I Don’t Have a Life
  • StevenI – Her First Period
  • John Meeker – 0 to 60 …
  • Elyse – New Commandment
  • Fred Silver – Perks of Getting Older


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – After 40 Years …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After 40 years of marriage...

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep everynight with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – Getting Work Over 50
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(note: changed to Wal-Mart from Wal-Mart
‘cause we don’t know what Wal-Mart is here
in the states!)

My 1 day of employment ,
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees,    I lasted less than a  day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very  loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two  kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said  pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children  you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long  enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the  other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are  you blind, or just stupid?'


So I replied, 'I'm neither  blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.. .

Have a  good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My  supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of  work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Linda Wright – Letter to Mum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an  envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
 Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,   so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
 Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..
 Love, your son, Nicholas.
ps. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk
I love you.
Call when it's safe to come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Clark Kidd – Cashing a Check
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.

As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier:  "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:  "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States of America!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers,
etc. I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama:  "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"

Cashier:  "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.

With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – Best Diet Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A  woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you  like some bacon 
and eggs, a slice of toast,  and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He  declines.  "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.  It's 
this Viagra," he  says.  "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.  "How about a 
bowl  of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese  sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says,  "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.   "Would you 
like a juicy rib eye steak and some  scrumptious apple pie?  Or maybe a  
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.  I'm 
still not  hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up?  I'm  starving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joanne Tenaglio – Redneck Security System
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Coote"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Random Jokes – Child of Divorce
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really hate the way I found out about my parents' divorce.
What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me
down, she said, 'Michael, I'm leaving your father, I'm going off to
marry another man, and I'm pregnant.'
And that was really messed up, 'cause that should have been three
different trips to get ice cream.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From StevenI – I Don’t Have a Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From StevenI – Her First Period
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watch the
poor guy on the far right hand side.....



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – 0 to 60 …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...

Michael has been missing since Friday...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Elyse – New Commandment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In honor of  Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
 Be sure to write  this one in underneath the other ten:
 "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy  Staff."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – Perks of Getting Older
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!  

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4.People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.  You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

9.You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13.  You sing along with elevator music.

14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night     


~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday, 19 August 2011


Friday, August 19, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Dear fUNNIES rEADERS:  some absolutely terrific jokes this week.

Give yourself an extra few minutes for the read ... you wont be sorry!  And
if you run across a good one next one, please shoot it over to me!

Thanks!  Have a great weekend!    :)  DrB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Dave Thorn – My New Cell Phone
  • Chas Young – 3 Kings
  • Joel Goldstein – Not Too Far From the Truth
  • Fred Silver – New Red Wine
  • StevenI – Mothers-in-Law
  • Cindy Komorek – Happy Birthday
  • cuzzin Gaylannie – A Yiddisha Kup
  • Chas Young – Only an Aussie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Dave Thorn – My New Cell Phone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just got my new cell phone, and it's one
that I can understand, and know how to operate!!!



I got it at the "Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store".
You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate THIS.

I know some of you are not old
enough to get this,
but you can pass it on to some
old person who
needs a laugh today!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – 3 Kings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the names of
3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace
into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king,  smo-king and bon-king.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joel Goldstein – Not Too Far From the Truth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of cartoons that are not too far from the truth!













~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – New Red Wine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

  The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE


I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE 
I just could not help it.     Sorry !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From StevenI – Mothers-in-Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Italian Mother  

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: 

Dear mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: 

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. 
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama 
















Moral:   Never lie to your mama

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From cuzzin Gaylannie – A Yiddisha Kup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing to the Jewish guy.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, "Thank you." This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that guy over there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong with him or something?"

"Not at all," replies the barman. "He's the owner."






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – Only an Aussie!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(Note: Chas is an Australian!)

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old
lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea
turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose
wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're
going to have to piss in the boat."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Cindy Komorek – Happy Birthday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!