12 August 2011

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 
The archives will one day reside again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

9 August 2011

Hi Everyone!  

Been out of commission for a big chunk of time … moving, had to get myself out of working for a tyrant (and did it), AC dropped dead for the better part of 6 weeks … but you don’t want to hear about my tzuris!  You want jokes!  Here’s a couple that are freshly minted.

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From  
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·      Tom Sokolowski – 2011 Motorcycle Helmits

·      Steve Ziegelman - Twins

·      Hank Levine via Barry – 25 Great Truths

·      Steve Ziegelman – Gandhi

·      Feedblitz – And then the new ages begin

·      SymanSays – Ten Step Wacky Work Program

·      Feedblitz - More than wind in your hair

·      Cindy Komorek – Was His

·      2 fROM Syman Says - Groaners

·      cousin Eliane Lederman – The Haircut

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – 2011 Motorcycle Helmits

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I never cease to marvel at the Free Enterprise System, When a product reaches the point where it's nigh on to impossible to improve its functionality, someone will still come up with a way to make people want to ditch their old one and get yours.

Check out these motorcycle helmets.   The Cops will love these

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fROM Steve Ziegelman - Twins

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
 One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
 Ahmal."

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 fROM Hank Levine via Barry – 25 Great Truths
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25 GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

-- Aesop

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fROM Steve Ziegelman - Gandhi
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
 of the time, which produced an impressive set of
 calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
 made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
 suffered from bad breath. 
This made him. (Oh, man,
this is so bad, it's 
good) .... 
A super-calloused
 fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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fROM Feedblitz – And then the new ages begin
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And then the new ages begin ...

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fROM SymanSays – Ten Step Wacky Work Program
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Ten Step Wacky Work Program...

- Go to an antique store and ask, "What's new?"

- Visit an aquarium and say, "Something's fishy here."

- Visit a laundramat and ask, "What's the latest dirt?"

- Visit a skin doctor. Tell the doctor not to do anything rash.

- Visit a dentist and ask, "What are you trying to pull?"

- Visit a bike store. Ask to see the spokesperson.

- Visit a magician and ask, "How's tricks."

- Go ice fishing. Be sure to throw back any cubes you catch that are

  too small.

- Get in shape; a trapezold is a good one.

- Say "Ah" backwards three times

See, you are laughing already.

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fROM Feedblitz - More than wind in your hair
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Hazards of Owning a Convertible

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fROM Cindy Komorek – Was His
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2 fROM Syman Says - Groaners
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SMILE, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD:

News From Jester Hill:

Mr. and Mrs. Ned Macon of Jester Hill announced the engagement of their daughter, Melissa, to Mr. Benjamin Bacon of Roswell, NM.

The Macon-Bacon nuptials are slated for March, 2012.

~~~~~*****~~~~~

JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT:  -From TEDDI'S HUMOR LIST-

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day.

My husband kidded him, asking how many birds could afford deluxe accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.

"Leave it to me,"Leo replied.

Soon the birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read<

"Room for wren -- cheap!"

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fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Haircut
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"To have a good friend is one of the greatest delights of life"

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was

pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the

next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting

for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The

next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'

card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his

bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning,

when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined

up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

REMEMBER POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE

SAME REASON.

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Dr. Bernie Domanski
 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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