Friday, July 27, 2012

27 July 2012


The Friday funnies by dr Bernie
thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogsppot.com

Here we go … week of 7/27/2012


~~~~~~ Feedblitz – Fairy Tales Start & End Here


~~~~~ Sokolowksi – Frank Feldman, Mr Perfect
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.   

 He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank.' 

Passenger: 'Who?' 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' 
    
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' 

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. 
    
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. 

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.' 
    
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then. 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But  Frank, he never made a mistake, and  he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  
 He  would never answer her back even if she was in the  wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. 
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman. 
    
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet  him? 

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin'  wife."

~~~~~ Sy H – Golf Joke
A Golf Joke:

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,"Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied,

"Got here in two, didn't I?"

~~~~~ John Meeker – Finally, A Shirt for Plumbers
Where Can I Get Me One of These?

~~~~~ Gaylann K – Pregnant Jewish Girl
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front
of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

~~~~~ Feedblitz – And Suddenly She Just Wasn’t There


~~~~~ Sokolowski – Love This Cop
A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

“Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.”

........... How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client
................


~~~~~ Sokolowski – 55 Rules for Men to Follow to Have a Happy Life
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah.  I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

~~~~~Joel G – Children Writing the Ocean


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Jennifer, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, I don't know what to say...


~~~~~~~~  Have a great weekend!   Dr Bernie ~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, July 5, 2012

07 July 2012

Been too long since my last issue ... Apologies.. Have simply been degenerating.T ry these for today ... DrB http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com From Fred Silver - Magic Sandles ---------------------------------   A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring aroundthe market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed asmall sandal shop.  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'Youforeigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'   So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'awesome special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.   The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?   The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'   Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave inand tried them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in hiseyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' ---------------From Joel Goldstein - Spelling ------------------------------ Adult Scrabble...  Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.P N E S I    Answer    scroll down....                         People who wrote SPINE became doctors,the rest are my email friends!- ------------------------------- From shirotora.net - drinks? -------------------------------- A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.Paddy ordered a whisky.The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquortouch my lips!"Paddy handed his drink back and said"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"- --------------------------------------- From From Feedblitz - You Didn't Need that Little Finger Anyway! --------------------------/////--------------- http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/card3305.jpg~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From one liners - Great One-Liners~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fool and his money are soon partners. - Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering. - Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety-one?" - By the time a man is old enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.- Chocolate: The other food group. - Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.- Remember: in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. - What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? a nervous wreck. - Just as I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Chas Young - Avancular Puns ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd nevermetherbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz! I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because shecouldn't control her pupils? Broken pencils are pointless.I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ..................Dr Bernie ......................

Friday, April 20, 2012

20120420





Friday, April 20, 2012

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  • Stan Kegel – The List
  • Tom Sokolowski – Sunburn Treatment
  • Feedblitz – Mostly babies, pets and drugs
  • Joel Goldstein – Reasons to Keep an Open Mind
  • Denny Adams – Irish Virgin
  • Aunt Marilyn – A Bisel Tsu Esse?
  • Dave Thorn – Run With This One
  • Alan Knight – Nag nag nag


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Stan Kegel – The List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe List:

Asst. Transportation Coordinator: Orson Buggy
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board: Alan Greasepan
Horsepower Consultant: Mr. Ed
Latin American Trade Representative: Noah Comprenday
Proprietor of Car Talk's Men's clothing store: Euripedes, Eumenedes
Singing Urologist: Urethra Franklin
Staff Chaplain: Neil Down
Staff Nutritionist: Arlene Menu
Staff Reporter: Walter Crankcase
Director of Jamaican Baseball Operations: Reggae Jackson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Sunburn Treatment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn.  A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’ The doctor replied, 'It won't really do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Feedblitz – Mostly babies, pets and drugs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/card3243-380x227.jpg

Babies Pets & Drugs




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joel Goldstein – Reasons to Keep an Open Mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."

-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."


"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project


"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923


"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949


"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957


"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.


"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone'has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.


"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.


"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."


"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.


"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.


"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.


"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.


"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.


"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.


"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .


"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University


"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.


"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872


"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.


And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Denny Adams – Irish Virgin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

“RETURNED UNOPENED”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Aunt Marilyn – A Bisel Tsu Esse?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi was walking down the street, when he noticed one of his
congregants...Moishe Pipick..on the other side of the street, entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer through the window of the restaurant, to see what his congregant was doing in the traif (non-kosher) restaurant.

Moishe ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp.
 
The rabbi continued to watch.

Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. He was eagerly
devouring it with a hearty appetite...

...when the shocked rabbi, no longer able to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront him.

"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you
eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's traif!"  (not kosher)

"Hold on, just a second" said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.

"Did you see me sit down at this table?"

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.

"Did you see me order my meal?"

"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.

"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" Moishe asked.

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.

"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked Moishe.

"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.

"Well, then," Moishe said calmly, "What's the problem, then? It was all done under rabbinical supervision."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Dave Thorn – Run With This One
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Run with this one!

http://www.drawastickman.com/episode1?o=66-69-32-67-82-69-65-84-73-86-69s66-89-58-32-84-72-69-32-66-65-78-68-69-69

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Alan Knight – Nag nag nag
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NAG – NAG – NAG!!!
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . . and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - -


Pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'



~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, March 16, 2012




Friday, March 16, 2012

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Make a few extra minutes this week - and be sure to make it down to the final few jokes ... there are some really killer fUNNIES this week!   Have a fabulous weekend.
      :) DrB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Susan Imberman – How to Piss Off a Frog
  • SymanSays - BASEBALL vs. FOOTBALL
  • Feedblitz – Hello?  I’m in the Middle of Something!
  • Tom Sokolowski – Pay Raise
  • Chas Young – A Good Australian Story
  • Clark Kidd – Employment Rate
  • Frank Ingrassia – Mr Potato Head
  • SyH -  An Updated Medical Dictionary
  • Gary Javitch – Gary Feldman, the Perfect Man
  • Dave Thorn – Irish Joke
  • Tom Sokolowski – 50th Anniversary Surprise
  • Shelly Domanski and from Susan Imberman – Mothers of Boys


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Susan Imberman – How to Piss Off a Frog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays - BASEBALL vs. FOOTBALL -As seen in Inspiration Plus-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Baseball is played in the spring, the season of new life.
- Football is played in the fall, when everything is dying.

- Baseball is played in the park, the Baseball Park.
- Football is played in places like Soldier Field and War Memeorial
Coliseum.

- Baseball is concered with ups.
"I'm not up. Are you up? He's up."
- Football is concerened with downs. What down is it?

- In football the specialist comes in to kick something.
- In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve something.

- In football, you wear a helmet.
- In baseball, you wear a cap.

- Baseball has the 7th inning stretch.
- Football has the 2 minute warning.

- In football, you receive a penalty.
- In baseball, you make an error...Oops!

Finally, the objects of the games are entirely different.

On a serious note, I do believe our country was a gentler society when baseball, (not football) was our pastime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Feedblitz – Hello?  I’m in the Middle of Something!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Pay Raise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in.   What can I do for you?

Employee:  Well sir, as you  know, I have been an employee of this
prestigious firm for over  ten years.
Boss:   Yes.  

Employee:  I won't beat around the bush.   Sir, I would like a raise. I 
currently have four  companies after  me and so I decided to talk  to you first.
Boss:  A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but this is  just not
the right time.  

Employee:  I understand your position, and I know that the current
economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also
take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to  this company
for over a decade.
Boss:  Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent  raise and an
extra five days of vacation time.  How does that  sound?  

Employee:  Great!    It's a deal!   Thank you,  sir!
Boss:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after 
you?  

Employee:  Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the
Mortgage Company!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – A Good Australian Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.  (Chas: What a Drover???  DrB)

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.  He turns to the astonished patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.  I'll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside.  Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".  

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.  

In return for witnessing this spectacle,  each of you will buy me a  drink".

The crowd murmured their approval.  The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,  and placed his Credentials  and related parts in the  crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.  

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer  bottle and smacked the  crocodile really, really hard  on the top of its head.  The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.   The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.  The man stood up again and made another offer....  "I'll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.  

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........  "I'll try it - Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Clark Kidd – Employment Rate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the heck I just said!

And now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Frank Ingrassia – Mr Potato Head~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr Potato Head

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SyH -  An Updated Medical Dictionary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  • Artery: The study of painting
  • Bowel: A letter like A,E,I,O,U.
  • Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.
  • D & C: Where Washington is.
  • Fester: Quicker
  • G.I. Series: Soldier ball game.
  • Hang Nail: Coat hook.
  • Morbid: A higher offer.
  • Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
  • Node: Was awate of.
  • Out patient: A patient who fainted.
  • Pelvis: A cousin to Elvis.
  • Seizure: Roman Emperor.
  • Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
  • Varicose: Nearby.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Gary Javitch – Gary Feldman, the Perfect Man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frank Feldman, the perfect man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.  He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."
 
Passenger:  "Like who?"
 
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman!  He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
 
Passenger:  "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie:  "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger:  "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie:  "There's more.  He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody's birthday.   He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
 
Passenger:  "Wow, some guy then."
 
Cabbie:  "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and to avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie:  "Well... I never actually met Frank.  He died and I married his wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Dave Thorn – Irish Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – 50th Anniversary Surprise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running
late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is,
and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just
flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop
for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but
my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't
have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout
the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we
just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Shelly Domanski and from Susan Imberman – Mothers of Boys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
I will be printing out 3 copies of this for my daughter-in-laws to sign - Shelly 
   

~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

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