Friday, 19 August 2011

Friday, August 19, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Dear fUNNIES rEADERS:  some absolutely terrific jokes this week.

Give yourself an extra few minutes for the read ... you wont be sorry!  And
if you run across a good one next one, please shoot it over to me!

Thanks!  Have a great weekend!    :)  DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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• Dave Thorn – My New Cell Phone
• Chas Young – 3 Kings
• Joel Goldstein – Not Too Far From the Truth
• Fred Silver – New Red Wine
• StevenI – Mothers-in-Law
• Cindy Komorek – Happy Birthday
• cuzzin Gaylannie – A Yiddisha Kup
• Chas Young – Only an Aussie!

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From Dave Thorn – My New Cell Phone
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I just got my new cell phone, and it's one

that I can understand, and know how to operate!!!

I got it at the "Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store".

You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate THIS.

I know some of you are not old

enough to get this,

but you can pass it on to some

old person who

needs a laugh today!!!

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From Chas Young – 3 Kings

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Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the names of

3 great kings who have

brought happiness and peace

into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king,  smo-king and bon-king.

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From Joel Goldstein – Not Too Far From the Truth

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A couple of cartoons that are not too far from the truth!

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From Fred Silver – New Red Wine

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A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep. NEW Wine for Seniors I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.   The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE  I just could not help it.     Sorry !

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From StevenI – Mothers-in-Law

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An Italian Mother  

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: 

Dear mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: 

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. 

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama 

Moral:   Never lie to your mama

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From cuzzin Gaylannie – A Yiddisha Kup

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Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing to the Jewish guy.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, "Thank you." This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."

So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that guy over there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong with him or something?"

"Not at all," replies the barman. "He's the owner."

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From Chas Young – Only an Aussie!

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(Note: Chas is an Australian!)

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old

lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the

standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the

entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea

turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two

men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose

wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're

going to have to piss in the boat."

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From Cindy Komorek – Happy Birthday

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Have a terrific weekend!

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