Friday, October 23, 2009

23 Oct 2009


The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/ (full media) and
at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at



23 October 2009


Hi Everyone!

What a week ... caught a bad cold, coughing, wretching ... which caused a blood vessel to pop in my eye ... and the cold turned into bronchitis!  Am looking forward to sleeping until baseball and football games are on!

Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • cousin Gaylannie – Roses and Hanging Baskets
  • Stan Kegel – Good Friday
  • cousin Eliane – Wearing the Patch
  • Tom Sokolowski – The Extraordinary Instrument
  • indexed – I Don’t Know If This Will Work
  • Fred Silver – Dementia Quiz
  • Fred Silver – The Why’s of Men
  • Shanizzle St Claire – How Intelligent R U?
  • Stan Kegel - Signs You May Be Addicted To Your Online Networking Site
  • Hank Levine via Barry – Jumpin on the Bed


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannie – Roses and Hanging Baskets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'

And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Good Friday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a story that happened to a friend's father recently. He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter.

A woman was distressed, exclaiming "Where will I put my money? I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?"

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY" I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought the bank was going to close "for good" the upcoming Friday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane – Wearing the Patch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.




It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.













~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Extraordinary Instrument
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is almost unbelievable. See how all of the balls wind up in the "catcher cones."




 
Video thumbnail. Click to play

 
 

 

 
This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between
 
the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School
 
of Engineering at the University of Iowa. Amazingly, 97% of the
machine's components came from John Deere Industries and
 
Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa...Yes, farm equipment.
 

 
It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment,
calibration, and tuning before filming this video. As you can see,
 
it was WELL worth the effort.
 

 
It's now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the
 
University and it's already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.
 

 

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
fROM indexed – I Don’t Know If This Will Work
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 


 

 

 

 
Dementia Quiz









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Dementia Quiz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus questionto test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.

They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer each of them immediately.





OK?













Let's find out just how clever you really are....









..

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )

































First Question :





You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

























Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you over take the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!





Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?













Second Question :

I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)













~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~













































Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??









You're not very good at this, are you?

















Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.













Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 .. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000 .. Now add 10 . What is the total?









Scroll down for the correct answer......





































~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

































Did you get 5000 ?





The correct answer is actually 4100 ..













If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ?





Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe....













Fourth Question:





Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?





























~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





























Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

























Okay, now the Bonus round,

i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:





















A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





































It's really very simple

He opens his mouth and ask for it...





Does your employer actually pay you to think??

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!









PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE

SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Have a nice day, one and all.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another fROM Fred Silver – The Why’s of Men
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
 (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)



And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Shanizzle St Claire – How Intelligent R U?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







.





.





.





.





......



Scroll Down for Answer:













.





.





.





.





.









Howz that .....???





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Signs You May Be Addicted To Your Online Networking Site
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ....You're in a hot tub having sex with two supermodels and all you can think about is getting out to Tweet about it.


....You just confirmed Osama bin Laden and Bernie Madoff as Facebook friends.


....You just got a tattoo that says "Born to Twitter".


....You killed a drifter just so you could have something interesting to post.


....You just changed your relationship status to involved with your imaginary girlfriend.


....Your Facebook photo is your mugshot from being arrested for stalking someone on MySpace.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Jumpin on the Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.


Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look...? What's the matter with you...?'


The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.




The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied!!!

 
++++++++++++++++++++++++


Hope everybody has a great weekend!


tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at


fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
 

 
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
 

 

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

 


 


 


 


 


 





 

Friday, October 16, 2009

16 Oct 2009


16 October 2009
Hi Everyone!  
Halloween is comin’ … so we’re starting to get ready … and I just LOVE Chas’ “2 Sisters & a Bull”.  Have a GREAT weekend … even if it’s miserable outside!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  -  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·        Stan Kegel – Halloween Puns
·        Chas Young – Just Fred
·        Paul Keister – Sermon Fodder
·        Garry Lederman – The Economy is So Bad …
·        Frank Ingrassia – Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better
·         Barbara Rosenberg – The Mature Woman Driver
·        another from Chas – Two Sisters & a Bull
·        Fred Silver – Female Compassion
·        Irving4 – Shades of Candid Camera
·        Tom Sokolowski – Why Dogs Don’t Like Halloween


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Halloween Puns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
            He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

What is the best place for a haunted house?
            On a dead end street

What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister?
            An aunt-eater!

What do you call a skeleton that won't get out of bed?
            Lazy Bones

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
            Ghoul-aid.

Why don't mummies take vacations?
            They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Just Fred
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’  I was born Fred Dingaling.  I know — a funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.  Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM Paul Keister – Sermon Fodder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The pastoral prayer I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday prayer.....

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Garry Lederman – The Economy is So Bad …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- I got a pre-declined card in the mail

- CEO's are now playing miniature golf


- If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", call them and ask if they meant you or them


- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM


- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names


- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico


- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting


- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore


- The Mafia is laying off 25 Congressmen


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good news at last. Guaranteed to make you feel better


Val Kilmer


Mickey Rourke


Brendan Fraser



Russel Crowe


Alec Baldwin



Richard Gere

Roger Moore


ArnoldSchwarzenegger

Pierce Brosnan




Clint Eastwood


Rod Stewart


ARE YOU FEELING BETTER NOW?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Mature Woman Driver
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?


Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.


Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

I just did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another from Chas – Two Sisters & a Bull
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.       
 Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.     
                                                                           
 In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to       
 purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.                   
                                                                            
 Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I      
 decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
 home.'                                                                     
                                                                           
 The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides   
 she wants to buy it.                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
 The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.                 
 After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a     
 telegram to tell her the news.   
                                         
 She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram 
 to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so  we can haul home.'                                                     
                                                                            
 The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
 it will cost 99 cents a word.                                             

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be
 able to send her sister one word.                                         
                                                                           
 After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send   
 her the word 'comfortable.'                                               
                                                                           
 The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
 her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul  
 that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word                
 'comfortable?'                                                            
                                                                            
 The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.              
 She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'                          

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Female Compassion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Female compassion at its best!  
  
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. 
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'  Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left.  He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. 

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' 
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Irving4 – Shades of Candid Camera
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Excellent!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Why Dogs Don’t Like Halloween
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009.  All Rights Reserved.