The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com/ (full media) andat http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
What a week ... caught a bad cold, coughing, wretching ... which caused a blood vessel to pop in my eye ... and the cold turned into bronchitis! Am looking forward to sleeping until baseball and football games are on!
Have a great weekend!
Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- cousin Gaylannie – Roses and Hanging Baskets
- Stan Kegel – Good Friday
- cousin Eliane – Wearing the Patch
- Tom Sokolowski – The Extraordinary Instrument
- indexed – I Don’t Know If This Will Work
- Fred Silver – Dementia Quiz
- Fred Silver – The Why’s of Men
- Shanizzle St Claire – How Intelligent R U?
- Stan Kegel - Signs You May Be Addicted To Your Online Networking Site
- Hank Levine via Barry – Jumpin on the Bed
fROM cousin Gaylannie – Roses and Hanging Baskets
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'
And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
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fROM Stan Kegel – Good Friday~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a story that happened to a friend's father recently. He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter.
A woman was distressed, exclaiming "Where will I put my money? I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY" I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought the bank was going to close "for good" the upcoming Friday!
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fROM cousin Eliane – Wearing the Patch~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Extraordinary Instrument
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This is almost unbelievable. See how all of the balls wind up in the "catcher cones."
This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between
the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School
of Engineering at the University of Iowa. Amazingly, 97% of the
machine's components came from John Deere Industries and
Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa...Yes, farm equipment.
It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of set-up, alignment,
calibration, and tuning before filming this video. As you can see,
it was WELL worth the effort.
It's now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the
University and it's already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.
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fROM indexed – I Don’t Know If This Will Work
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Dementia Quiz
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fROM Fred Silver – Dementia Quiz
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Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus questionto test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer each of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
..
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )
First Question :
You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you over take the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question :
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
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Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 .. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000 .. Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for the correct answer......
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Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100 ..
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe....
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!
Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.
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another fROM Fred Silver – The Why’s of Men
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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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fROM Shanizzle St Claire – How Intelligent R U?
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.
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......
Scroll Down for Answer:
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.
.
.
.
Howz that .....???
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fROM Stan Kegel - Signs You May Be Addicted To Your Online Networking Site
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....You're in a hot tub having sex with two supermodels and all you can think about is getting out to Tweet about it.
....You just confirmed Osama bin Laden and Bernie Madoff as Facebook friends.
....You just got a tattoo that says "Born to Twitter".
....You killed a drifter just so you could have something interesting to post.
....You just changed your relationship status to involved with your imaginary girlfriend.
....Your Facebook photo is your mugshot from being arrested for stalking someone on MySpace.
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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Jumpin on the Bed
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A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look...? What's the matter with you...?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied!!!