Friday 29 Jan 2010

Away taking some time with Mom ... no computer with me ... have borrowed Mrs Domanski's (doing the fUNNIES on an iPhone can a bit daunting!) Anyways, here are some goodies ... please excuse the informal format! Have a super weekend!

:) Dr Bernie

________________________________________________

from Tom Sokolowski - Watch the 2-minute video that shows a drop of water falling into a puddle at 2000 frames a second. You will see something totally unexpected. http://www.flixxy.com/water-drop.htm ________________________________________________

from Denny Adams - An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. -- If you judge people, you have no time to love them Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole. In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
_________________________________________________

from SymanSays - You Know You Are Living in 2010 when... -From The South Jersey Deviler- ** You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave. ** You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. ** You have a dozen phone numbers to reach your family of three. ** You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. ** You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ** Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. ** You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. ** You're reading this and nodding and laughing
_________________________________________________

from Dick Sziede - Who was first? A Sailor or a Marine? A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .' Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway. 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.' The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' __________________________________________________________
From DayMiller -

how did deniro do this without laughing


__________________________________________________________
from Maureen Zack -

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,"Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
__________________________________________________________
from Steven Imberman -





Could someone tell me - what exactly is the point of taking this picture?

_________________________________________________________
from Eddie R -

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-


Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:- In Eastern Europe
they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.


___________________________________________________
another from dr steven - (I love lawyer jokes)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually
pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:
Are you shitting me?
_______________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:
Take a guess.
___________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS:
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for
last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy ?
WIT NESS :
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok ... that's it for this week ... Hope you have a great weekend!

:) Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(c) the friday funnies by dr bernie, 1996-2010.

No intentional disparagement is meant by the contents of the fRIDAY fUNNIES ever! No violation of copyright intended. No intentional insults are ever meant. The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie is written only or the amusement of it's FREE readership. Hope you have a great weekend!

15 January 2010

Hi Everyone!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
• SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
• cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
• Rusty – Kids are Quick
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
• Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
• Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
• Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
• Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
• Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – The Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.

It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,” You must decide how many inches you want.
But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SymanSays – More Actual Accident Reports
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Actual Accident Reports: -From Lehigh Valley Family-

- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
- I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and their was a crash.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
- "The accident happened when the right car door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
- "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Gaylannnie – New Alphabet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

The Alphabet - Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention..

H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.

We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.

IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Rusty – Kids are Quick
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__(THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY)________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______(LOL)___________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father dn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's still the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Pope Was Too Pooped …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Irish Sausage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Shoebox
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years...
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened
it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000. He
asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Mental Pictures
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/card2354.jpg





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel – Jay Leno Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air."

"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser."

"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different."

"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad."

"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."

"Kev, if we did get canceled, it will give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn - Trayfe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant.
The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch.
Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant.
"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!"
"Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"
"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.
"Did you see me sit down at this table?"
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.
"Did you see me order?"
"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.
"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked.
"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.
"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant.
"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.
"Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"



+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2010. All Rights Reserved.

8 January 2010

Hi Everyone!

What can I say – Happy New Year! Hope it’s not too cold where you are _it sure is cold in New Joyzee !) All the best!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
• Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
• the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
• StevenI – Try Again
• Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
• Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
• Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
• Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
• Indexed – Nine More Minutes
• cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dr StevenI – the Cat in the Hat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Welcome to TPA Airlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.





AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the ImberBabe – Condemned for Xmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3z8awXlm_8

Or



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM StevenI – Try Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". ... – answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" – asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin’ Arabs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Shannel St. Hilaire – Wife vs Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

Main point

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The IRS and Grandpa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



SHIT, It's Cold!

The End.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More The Official Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe Staff List -From Stan Kegel-


Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Nutrician Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good
Head of Building and grounds: Moe D'Lawn
Fact Checks: Elle Fynoe
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath
Car Talk Bouncer; Euripedes Ibrekayourface
Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Indexed – Nine More Minutes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM cousin Eliane Lederman – When You Have an ‘I hate my job’ day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

......Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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