Hi Everyone!
Hope everybody is great – the snow has really wore me down (Shelly is now affectionately referred to as the plow – she does the shoveling so I won’t die! And believe me, I’m grateful!)
And, Shelly and I went to see the Letterman show – it’ll be on tonite – when they pan the audience, we’re on the extreme right, about 4 or 5 rows back – cool!
Have a warm weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
• Eddie R – Amazing
• Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
• Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
• Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
• cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
• Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
• Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
• Tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
• Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Only in America
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Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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fROM Eddie R – Don’t Try This At Home
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This is absolutely amazing to watch...a performance on the Russian Bar,
recorded for Chinese television at the Circus Festival of Monte Carlo.
The final stunt is unbelievable!
http://amazingacts.blogspot.com/2008/07/dont-try-this-at-home.html
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fROM Paul Keister – New Exercise Program
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I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN ...
NOW SCROLL UP ...
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Your Favorite Wine or Beer
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Ca Na Duh
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CA NA DUH
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website..
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.
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fROM Syman Says – From Pastor Tim
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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card." she said.
"But my husband is getting a haircut here," she explained.
"Yes," she replied, "But I need something you'll come back for?"
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fROM cousin Eliane – Fondling in Bed
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(Double click to enlarge)
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fROM Syman Says / Jim Ertner – Jest for the Pun of It
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** What is the purpose of reindeer?
It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
** Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.
** What two classes is the animal kingdom divided into?
The aardvarks and the aaren'tvarks.
** What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and Squeak.
** What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
** What did the toy store sign say?
Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
** What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
** What sign did the grizzlies put up?
Support your right to bear arms.
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fROM Elyse – Perfect Girls Getaway
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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she
can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night............ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to
find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead
me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen
candles and rose petals all over............ On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I
did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want.."
"So here I am."
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fROM tom Sokolowski – Great Blonde Joke
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Super Bowl party. They had great seats right on the couch in front of the big screen TV.
After the Saints won, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like............... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Long Island
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( I wish someone would do a similar list for New Jersey! DrB)
LONG ISLAND
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, But you almost never go there.
When you're away from Long Island, you love it And when you're there, you don't.
You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, You're not really from New York
You know the exact point at which Queens Turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate."
At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
You don't live in Long Island You live ON Long Island
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida
You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkoma , Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa
You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonaldsAnd 36 7-11's.
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."
You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
No, you don't want mustard on that burger!!
You can't understand why a diner would ever close.
You've had a seagull crap on your car.
You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR And ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville ..
You know White Castle is terrible for you And the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave"..
You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx,But would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan
You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York
You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn And had the dreaded wait until 5:30.
You or someone you know has owned an animal That came from North Shore Animal League.
Quick! Who's your county Executive ? Don't know do you?!
You've never taken an MTA bus.
The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.
You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.
You know which parts of the godfather were filmed on Long Island
You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute And you enjoy watching it grow up.
Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from The North Shore, Or a cool girl from the South Shore ".
You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, Unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.
When people ask "where are you from?" You answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York York.
You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).
Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
Regular gas - $3.29 and you still pay it!!!
You hate paying tolls.
You don't have to go far to see your family.
You remember Grumman.
You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good..
You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Huntington.
Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
You think the people from Brooklyn are
"DA wunz dat tawk wit a accent."
You went sledding in the sumps.
You knew of Massapequa before
The Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
You think going to Queens is a hike.
The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea", You were somewhere else and you laughed.
When you live somewhere else and are astounded To see that people actually stop at yellow lights..
When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, You'll be able to find good delis, good pizza, and good bagels.
You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island
When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...It becomes normal to you.
No word ends in an ER, just an AH.
You actually get these jokes And pass them on to other friends from Long Island
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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