Hi Everyone!
These should give you the jolt to kick off your weekend right. Here in the metro NYC area, it is BEAUTIFUL outside. So get out there and joy the weather … you can always come back and read these later!
:
-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister – Exercise For Those Over 50
• Chuck Hopf = Ever Feel a Little Bit Stupid?
• SymanSays – Jokes of the Day
• Tom Sokolowski – Help Ban Fox Hunting in Colorado
• Eliane Lederman – Mess with Seniors
• Joel Goldstein - Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
• Barbara Rosenberg – Realization About My Dog
• Stan Kegel – A Need for Glasses?
• Feedblitz – Why Bullies Are So Awful?
• Frank Ingrassia – Universal Truth
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fROM Paul Keister – Exercise For Those Over 50
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It's a good exercise program even if you are not 50 yet.
Pass to all 50 yrs. And older
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Wine.
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fROM Chuck Hopf = Ever Feel a Little Bit Stupid?
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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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fROM SymanSays – Jokes of the Day
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Thought For The Day:
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I go buy something." -Jackie Mason-
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JOKE OF THE DAY:
Headlines Gone Wrong: -From Senior Lifestyle Digest-
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over What a guy?
War dims hope for peace.
I can see where it might have that effect!
Cold war linked to temperatures.
Who would have thought?
Red tape holds up bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
New study of obesity looks for larger group Weren't they fat enough?
Typhoon rips through cemetery, hundreds dead Did I read that right?
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Boy, are they tall.
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Chainsaw massacre all over again.
Kids make nutritionist snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
"Where have all the proofreader's gone?"
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Help Ban Fox Hunting in Colorado
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If you agree with this please send it on to the powers that be.
Hope we can stop it.
While I don't agree that hunting is an ethical God given right, I think that I would have to agree with the author on this one.... Fox hunting in Colorado should be banned!
Please help ban fox hunting in Colorado
THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
Signed,
Peter Cottontail
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fROM Eliane Lederman – Mess with Seniors
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
"And what is wrong with your
ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it", he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
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fROM Joel Goldstein - Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
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If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.So, maybe we're off the hook.
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Realization About My Dog
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
"Holy %#@&*, my dog is a democrat!"
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fROM Stan Kegel – A Need for Glasses?
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My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in first grade he came home one day distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair - I'm not allowed to go to the library"
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said,
"Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
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fROM Feedblitz – Why Bullies Are So Awful?
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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Universal Truths
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UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5 How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.. .again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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