2010-MAY-28
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND ... THOSE OF YOU OUTSIDE THE USA, YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE TOO !!
- · Feedblitz – Via the Facebook Discussions
- · Denny Adams – Humore for Lexophiles (Word Lovers)
- · Frank Ingrassia – The Autumn Years
- · Barbara Rosenberg – Drafting Guys Over 60
- · cousin Gary Lederman – Geography of Men and Women
- · Tom Sokolowski – Arizona’s Answer to LA’s Boycott of AZ
- · Maureen Zack – Looking for My Wallet
- · Gerry Rusthoven – A Bottle of Wine
From Feedblitz – Via the Facebook Discussions
From Denny Adams – Humore for Lexophiles (Word Lovers)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana (Groucho Marx).
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, which resulted in linoleum blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
From Frank Ingrassia – The Autumn Years
From Barbara Rosenberg – Drafting Guys Over 60
Drafting Guys Over 60 New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kick some ass that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. |
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, MY!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
from SymanSays – Vanity Plates
VANITY PLATES:
WAAA NJ
BANDLADY
4MYEGO
NOMODO
4ZMTNS MONTANA
IT ROX
ROV-N-RND
4-XPLORN
BAAZBAL CA
YEACUBS NV
From cousin Gary Lederman – Geography of Men and Women
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa
- half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe
- well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain
- very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece
- gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain
- with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel
- has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada
- cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet
- wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages
... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran
- ruled by a couple of nuts
From Tom Sokolowski – Arizona’s Answer to LA’s Boycott of AZ
Not sure if it's true or not, but it's an interesting read!
Finally someone with the "testicular fortitude" to stand up to L.A.'s Mayor!
From Maureen Zack – Looking for My Wallet
From Gerry Rusthoven – A Bottle of Wine
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride..
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade'....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!
