Friday, June 25, 2010

25 June 2010

This week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES ...





25 June 2010





It’s HOT outside!  Great weekend wishes!   ;) DrB

Contents this week:
·      From  Denny Adams - Depressed
·      From SymanSays – Buzzard, Bat Vumble Bee, People
·      From Feedblitz – Faster, Faster!
·      From Tom Sokolowski – Irish Confessional
·      From Cousin Gaylannie – Signs of the Times
·      From Tom Sokolowski – Kicked Out of Bio Class
·      From Denny Adams – PC Lament – apologies to Edgar Allen Poe
·      From Sokolowski – Wife Asks Husband …
·      From Frnk Ingrassia – BP: Some Coffee Spills
·      From Barbara Rosenberg – Bitches ‘til the End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Denny Adams - Depressed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was depressed last night so I called a local Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays – Buzzard, Bat Vumble Bee, People
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buzzrd, Bat, Bumble Bee, People.  -From Tom-

The Buzzard:

If put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 6 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of it ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a Buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10-12 feet.
Without space to run, as is habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jar with no top.

The Bat:

The ordinary Bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on a floor or flat ground, all it can do us shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air, Then, at once it takes off in a flash.

The Bumble Bee:

A Bumble Beer, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

People: In many ways we are like the Buzzard, the Bat, and the Bumble Bee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations; never realizing that all we have to do is look up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz – Faster, Faster!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Irish Confessional
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Cousin Gaylannie – Signs of the Times
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 




 


 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Kicked Out of Bio Class
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kicked Out Of Biology Class...
   
I always tried hard in school, but I did not do well in Biology.
 
In biology class, we were asked what are two things commonly found in cells.
 

Apparently, African Americans and Mexicans was not the correct answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Denny Adams – PC Lament – apologies to Edgar Allen Poe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
system manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,

longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
still I sat there doing spreadsheets,
and having reached the bottom line
I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
then, invoked the “save” command,
but, I got a reprimand…
“abort, retry, ignore.”

Was this some occult illusion?
some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon
himself had never faced before.

Carefully I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one…
Choose abort, retry, ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,

praying for some guarantee,
finally I pressed a key.
But on the screen what did I see?
Again, “abort, retry, ignore.”

I tried to catch the chips off guard.
I pressed again but twice as hard.
But luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.

Now, I typed in desperation,
trying random combinations.
Still, there came the incantation,
“Choose abort, retry, ignore.”

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up so greatly frosted –
paced across the office floor.

And then I saw an awful sight,
a bold and blinding flash of light,
a lightening bolt had cut the night
and shook me to my very core.

Then the screen collapses and died.
“Oh no, my data base!” I cried.
Then, I thought a voice replied,
“You’ll see your data never more.”

To this day I do not know,
the place to which lost data go.
Perhaps to heaven, even so,
by the angels, all in store.

But as for productivity, well,
I fear that it goes straight to hell.
And that’s the tale I have to tell,
your choice…

“abort, retry, ignore.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – Wife Asks Husband …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Frnk Ingrassia – BP: Some Coffee Spills
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Barbara Rosenberg – Bitches ‘til the End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bitches 'til the End!
(Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!)

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!   Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, June 11, 2010

11 June 2010




This week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES ...


http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  is the home of the Friday Funnies




Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear Earth ---  This week in the life of Dr Bernie – do you really care???? – In any case, I graduated from my Cardiac Rehab program, and promptly joined the ‘Wellness Center’ exercise program … Michelle is my trainer (yes, I have a personal trainer!)

DON’T expect miracles … just waking up to get there is an accomplishment!

Finally, there are a couple of KILLER jokes in this weeks’ crop … my favorite: the Kissing Test!

Enjoy the summer weather!    J Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions From:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·      Feedblitz – It Was All So Suddenly Tragic
·      Feedblitz – Sounds Like Work …
·      Steve-J – A Short Neurological Test
·      Denny Adams – The Medical Student
·      Cousin Toby – Why SH is So Important
·      Paul Keister – A Home Depot Story
·      Feedblitz – Looks Like Hell
·      Chuck Hopf – Come to the USA
·      Tom Sokolowski – The Kissing Test
·      Fred Silver – Dress Code for Older Folks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Feedblitz – It Was All So Suddenly Tragic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz – Sounds Like Work …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Steve-J – A Short Neurological Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are a couple of quizzes to get your brain going this morning.
Have a great week!
SJ

A Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999


3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!




Eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad.

Only great minds can read this.
This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! 


How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _


 Answers Below, Don't cheat


















Answers:

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Denny Adams – The Medical Student
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.

Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.
Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. “Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
“So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.
“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.
“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Cousin Toby – Why SH is So Important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To those Friday Funnies folks who are not well versed in Yiddish –
Yiddish, English, Polish, and a couple of other European languages were the languages spoken in my home growing up.  While some of these below might be really new words for you, trust me, they ALL were spoken in my house … and my relatives (ie. Cousin Toby who sent it). 

None of them are particularly flattering … but they are funny!   --- J DrB

WHY SH IS SO IMPORTANT IN YIDDISH:

SH MUCK
SH LEPPER
SH NORER
SH LIMAZL
SH VANTZ
SH VITZ
SH MENDRIK
SH TUPN  ARAIN
SH TARK VI A FERD
SH EINER  TUCHES
SH VARTZE
SH IKSA
SH AGETZ
SH ANDA
SH LEMIEL
SH UL
SH LEP NACHAS
SH ABBOS
SH ADCHEN
SH IKKER
SH AMUS
SH AYTL
SH EHECHEYANU
SH ALOM
SH ECHINAH
SH NOOK
SH USH
SH IVA 
SH TETEL
SH MEER
SH A
SH MUTZ
SH MATEH
SH MEGEGI (My favorite;-)
SH TICK DREK  (My 2nd favorite!)
SH PILKES IN TUCHES (My 3rd favorite!)

And  that's the gantsa  SH MEGILLA!

Is everyone laughing????

PS: Can anybody translate all of these?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Paul Keister – A Home Depot Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of
the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot
and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to
finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is
that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price
is $800.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's
certainly out of my price bracket."



She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to
buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom
to get one.



From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for
the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for
the faucet."



This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz – Looks Like Hell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chuck Hopf – Come to the USA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ray Stevens just finished a new internet video about illegal immigration and
 I want you to be one of the first to see it. It's "Come to the U.S.A."
 and it's been on You Tube less than 24 hours. Just click this link.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – The Kissing Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – Dress Code for Older Folks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of us 'Older Folks' (WAY over 40) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.

'Feeling young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11.. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly


At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts


 





Oooo-eck!.......  Shut up!  You know it's funny.
  Now, send it on to someone else and make 
them smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!