~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chuck Hopf – Russian Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian
woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in
Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop
for groceries.
One
day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and
lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave
her the chicken legs.
Next
day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so
she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On
the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to
communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please
scroll down.)
What
were you thinking?
Her
husband speaks English!
Now
get back to your emails. I worry about
you sometimes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken
– The 2011 Darwin Awards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's with great pleasure that I announce..... it's that time
again.....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors are given to the
persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid ways.
You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive!
Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The
nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to
use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized, but lived.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
''especially bright'' by his peers.
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always,
awarded posthumously;
THE 2011 WINNER!
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An
amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had
driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch
of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and
fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of
the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles
from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at
that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum
thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)
before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet,
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's
remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not
actually on the ground.
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these
are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ed Klibaner – The Purpose of a Dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Brother-in-law
Jeff via the Imberbabe – Always Use Good Grammar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift
certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a
medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a
wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the
reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what
he was in for.
The medicine man handed a potion to
him, and with a grip on his
shoulder, warned "This is a
powerful medicine. You take only a
teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'
"
When you do, you will become more manly
than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform as long
as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked
away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say
'1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until
the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked
so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine
and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his
clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of
men.
His wife was excited and began throwing
off her clothes and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we
should never end our sentences
with a preposition , because we could
end up with a dangling
participle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John
Meeker – I’ve Never Been in Cahoots!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been
in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've
also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I
have, however, been in Sane, but it’s lonely because it’s almost impossible to
recognize anyone else who is in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to friends, family and
work.
I
would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump blindly and I'm not too
much on that sort of physical activity anymore.
I
have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there
too often.
I've
been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes
I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One
of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I
may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an
age thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken
– Jewish Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the
first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli
frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking
amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York,
came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and
if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men
were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?"
they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager,
an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous
Yiddish?"
The manager
looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh.
He thinks we're teaching him English."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken
– Blind Cowboy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL GIRL BIKER BAR
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an
all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and
orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely
silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl
with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound
blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde
and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously,
Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a
second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – You Could Have
Heard a Pin Drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wonder
why the French are so unpopular?
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France
in
the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he
wanted
all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk
responded
"Does
that include those who are buried here?"
You
could have heard a pin drop
There
was a conference in France where a number of
international
engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During
a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying
'Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier
to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.
What does he intended to do,
bomb
them?'
A
Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
carriers
have three hospitals on board that can treat
several
hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
have
three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day,
They
can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water
from
sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting
victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven
such
ships; how many does France have?'
You
could have heard a pin drop.
A
Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group
of
Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was
chatting
away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral
suddenly
complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English
learn
only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English
in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without
hesitating, the British Admiral replied,
'Maybe
it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and
Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You
could have heard a pin drop.
AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert
Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris
by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in
his carry on.
"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer
asked sarcastically.
Mr.
Whiting admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Then
you should know enough to have your passport
ready."
The
Englishman said,
'The
last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible.
You English always have to show your
passports
on arrival in France !"
The
English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look.
Then
he quietly explained,
''Well,
when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944
to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a
passport
to."
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – The Light Turned Yellow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Light
turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.
The
tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone
and makeup. In mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car
with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After
a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.
He
said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so, naturally, ... I assumed you had stolen
the car ..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young - The $100 TATTOO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Larry
gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell
have you been?"
Larry
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A
tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I
got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What
the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well,
one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And,
lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry
is recovering in room 232 at General Hospital
~~~~~~~~
Have a
terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~
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1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use
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