The fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie
Friday, April 22, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Hi Loooonatic Readers! My apologies for degenerating over the past several weeks in not getting timely issues of thefUNNIES out. Here’ what you missed: blondes are still, well, blond; lawyers are still sucking everyone dry; and old people have gotten older! Ok, you’re all caught up in the world of humor!
Hope you have a great Easter and/or Passover holiday! These hopefully will bring a grin or two to your face!
Hope you have a great Easter and/or Passover holiday! These hopefully will bring a grin or two to your face!
J DrB
PS TO HELP MAKEUP FOR THE MISSING ISSUES – My cousin Shelly Lederman recently did a stand-up comedy routine at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City … absolutely filthy! If that’s your cup of tea, surf over to YouTube and search on ‘shellylederman’. Remember, you’ve been warned!
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Comments & Contributors
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· Frank Ingrassia – Jewish Poker club
· Scott Evans- Get Your Grey On
· EDDIE – Your Life Explained by Graphs
· Tom Sokolowski – Unwise for an Illegal Alien
· FeedBlitz - Extra Cheese is not a Seasoning
· Tom Sokolowski – How Sad
· Ron via SyH - Senior Health Care Solution
· Cousin Toby – A New Traffic Sign in Brooklyn
· Feedblitz – The Concert Was Short
· Judy via Barry – A Mystery
· Chas Young – The Honeymoon
· Barbara Rosenberg – Exercise for People Over 50
· Dave Thorn – Those Fabulous Jewish Comedians
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From Frank Ingrassia – Jewish Poker club
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| Jewish Poker Club - Looks like my Dad's game used to! |
Seven retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"
They cut the cards.
Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?
I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name.
Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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From Scott Evans- Get Your Grey On
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Walk On The Mild Side: - -
Some stay in shape by lifting weights
Some zip around on in-line skates.
For others, nothing motivates.
Like squash or racquetball.
But if you've reached a certain age,
The not-too-much-exertion stage,
The exercise that's all the rage
Is walking in the mall!
There's ample space, the air is cool,
The floors are clean, and as a rule,
The kids don't come till after school,
So crowds are fairly small.
It's cheap because admission's free,
The store displays are fun to see.
And if you have to stop and go wee,
The bathroom's down the hall.
The window shopping can't be beat,
The Gapi Pier !! The County Seat!
The Body Shop and Just For Feet!
You'll want to see them all.
No wonder all the seniors say
The Health Club scene is way pass'e.
The Hottest Fitness craze today
Is walking in the Mall!
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From EDDIE – Your Life Explained by Graphs
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| Your Life Explained by Scientific Graphs |
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From Tom Sokolowski – Unwise for an Illegal Alien
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DUMBEST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you & your girlfriend on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS
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| UNBELIEVABLE, RIGHT??? |
REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself ONLY
no matter how much you love your girl.
'Counterfeit I.D. of the Week'....
This is an actual drivers license from a traffic stop.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE.SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!!
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From FeedBlitz - Tinkering With Ingredients
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From Tom Sokolowski – How Sad
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From Ron via SyH - Senior Health Care Solution
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--According to Maxine:
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, this means you will be sent to a Federal prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!
New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are aprisoner,you don't have to pay taxes anymore!
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
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From Cousin Toby – A New Traffic Sign in Brooklyn
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As you drive out of Brooklyn on the Williamsburg Bridge you'll see a traffic sign above you reading "Leaving Brooklyn . Oy Vey!" No, the sign isn't the work of a prankster. It's a real sign, placed there last week by the Department of Transportation at the request of Marty Markowitz, Borough President of Brooklyn . Says Markowitz: "Oy vey is an original Jewish 'expression of dismay or hurt.' The beauty is, every ethnic group knows it, and motorists seeing it know it means 'Dear me, I'm so sad you're leaving.'"
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From Feedblitz – The Concert Was Short
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| SO TRUE! |
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From Judy via Barry – A Mystery
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A man is driving along a very rough road in Tibet and breaks down near a Buddhist monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now accepted as one of us.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone...
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
....
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
But I bet you send it on!
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From Chas Young – The Honeymoon
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John, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and John should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is John, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, John takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's John. He is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, John kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - John is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.
As John gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, John.'
John, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
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From Barbara Rosenberg – Exercise for People Over 50 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is good for anybody actually.
Subject: EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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From Dave Thorn – Those Fabulous Jewish Comedians
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You may remember the old Jewish Catskill style comics of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene, | Red Buttons, | Totie Fields, |
Joey Bishop, | Milton Berle, | Jan Murray, |
Danny Kaye, | Henny Youngman, | Buddy Hackett, |
Sid Caesar, | Groucho Marx, | Jackie Mason, |
Victor Borge, | Woody Allen, | Joan Rivers, |
Lenny Bruce, | George Burns, | Allan Sherman, |
Jerry Lewis, | Peter Sellers, | Carl Reiner, |
Shelley Berman, | Gene Wilder, | George Jessel, |
Alan King, | Mel Brooks, | Phil Silvers, |
Jack Carter, | Rodney Dangerfield, | Don Rickles, |
Jack Benny | Mansel Rubenstein | and so many others. |
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
Spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only
his time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the
Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so
the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here
for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering..
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the
play. She asks, What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and
said, "Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days."
Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
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Have a terrific weekend!
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