The Friday funnies by dr Bernie
thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogsppot.com
Here we go … week of 7/27/2012
~~~~~~ Feedblitz – Fairy Tales
Start & End Here
~~~~~ Sokolowksi – Frank
Feldman, Mr Perfect
A man walks out to the street and catches
a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He
would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect
man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife."
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife."
~~~~~ Sy H – Golf Joke
A Golf Joke:
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,"Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied,
"Got here in two, didn't I?"
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,"Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied,
"Got here in two, didn't I?"
~~~~~ John Meeker – Finally, A
Shirt for Plumbers
 |
| Where Can I Get Me One of These? |
~~~~~ Gaylann K – Pregnant
Jewish Girl
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front
of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front
of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."
~~~~~ Feedblitz – And Suddenly She Just
Wasn’t There
~~~~~ Sokolowski – Love This Cop
A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for
shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of
his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense lawyer asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.”
........... How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client ................
........... How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client ................
~~~~~ Sokolowski – 55 Rules for Men to
Follow to Have a Happy Life
Headstone
of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah. I
wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five
rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
~~~~~Joel G – Children Writing the Ocean
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Jennifer, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
If you didn't chuckle at one of these, I don't know what to say...
~~~~~~~~ Have a great weekend! Dr Bernie ~~~~~~~~~~
