The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie - May 14 2014 edition

Retirement is even closer for the doctor ... the first of many forms have been submitted to the bureaucracy ... I gave my last live lecture last night ... Final exams and final projects will be done on Friday ... hence this early edition of the funnies.

This week, we've got a couple of real zingers .. and again repeating, a couple of weeks ago, Dr Neal asked me what is the oldest joke.  Who knows???  So on Facebook, I posted this question on a group site of people who share memories of the Borscht Belt of the Catskill Mountains in New York state.  A gazillion comedians launched there careers at the hotels of the area going back about 75 years or so.

Corny warning!  And a lot of these are pretty Borscht Belt / Jew-ey ... again, you've been warned ... and be sure to get to the bottom for the funny from cousin Rosie B.

Finally, if you think you know of an 'oldest joke' candidate, shoot it over so we all can groan together!  And if you know of a non-oldest joke, shoot that over too! 

STAY COOL and have a super weekend.     Dr Bernie
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from Annie Shum: The Weather Forecasting Stone

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from Dr Steven I - The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.  George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey, Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"  She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the heck are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Oldest Joke Candidates:

Josh Backon: Irving and Murray have been partners in the shmatta business for 50 years and make a pact that whoever dies first will come back to the other in a dream and tell how life is upstairs. Murray dies. Irving asks how life is and Murray relates: "I get up every morning, have a huge breakfast, then wild sex and sleep to lunch. Then comes a huge lunch followed by wild sex and then I sleep until supper. Then comes a huge supper followed by wild sex and then I sleep until morning". Irving says, "That's fantastic!" and Murray replies, "What fantastic? I'M A BEAR IN YELLOWSTONE PARK!!"

Daniel F Smith: Why don't they put Jews in jail? Because they eat Lox!!!

Scott Sklar: The punchline to How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None I'll sit in the dark and suffer.....................

Vincent L. Nappi: 
 Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

 Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

 Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. ..Henny Youngman

Allan Stein: What's the difference between a Jewish princess and a regular princess? A regular princess is a virgin before she gets married. A Jewish princess becomes a virgin after she gets married.

Norman Shere: Why do Jewish mothers make good parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence

Daniel F Smith: it was the end of the Woodstock Festival in '69, when I saw this Dude with one shoe. I asked; "Dude! You lost a shoe?" He replied : " No Man.., I found one!"

Ruth Aronowitz Dickstein: A prostitute came to my house and said for $50 she'll do anything. Really anything? Go paint the kitchen! - Rodney Dangerfield

Michael Benemowitz: my wife told me to take out the garbage, I replied you made it you take it out Rodney D

Vincent L. Nappi: I Met this Squaw,she Said "HOW"....So I showed her!

Michael Benemowitz: my wife's car is constantly breaking down, so I got the perfect 2nd car - a tow truck, Mal Z Lawrence

Steven Elkin

 - I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays! Henny Youngman

 -  A bum asked me give me $10 till payday. I asked when's payday? he said I don't know, you're the one who is working! Henny Youngman

 -  I was just in London-there is an 8 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.When I go to bed, I feel hungry. Henny Youngman

 -  My Mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.- Buddy Hackett

 -  My Grandfather always said, don't watch your money, watch your health. so one day while I was watching my health,someone stole my money. it was my Grandfather!-Jackie Mason

 -  Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass? because it's the last time he'll put his foot down!

 -  Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, send one of my bags to NY, send one to LA, and send one to Miami. She said, we can't do that. I told her, you did it last week!-Henny Youngman

 -  A man goes to a psychiatrist. the Dr. says you're crazy. the man says I want a second opinion! ok, you're ugly too!-Henny Youngman

 -  A bum came up to me saying I haven't eaten in two days! I said, you should force yourself!-Henny Youngman

 -  During sex , my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. just the other night she called me from a hotel !-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  I was such an ugly kid...when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up!-Rodney Dangerfiled

 -  I could tell my parents hated me. my bath toys were a toaster and a radio!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My mom is hard of hearing she asked me want I wanted for my birthday and I said dvds. She got me bvds!-  -

 -  I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex, she called me from Chicago last night!-Rodney Dangerfield

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from cousin Rosie B - Jewish Computers
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM.  The price is so  low... even with the shipping from Israel!  However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a  'Let's go!  I'm not getting any younger!' button. 

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.  

3) The cursor moves from right to left. 

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?' 

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.' 

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'  

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message. 

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'  

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.  

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). 

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault'  error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'  

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' 

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!' 

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. 

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.' 

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...

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//  Happy Friday Funnies!
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May 9 2014

The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie - May 9 2014 edition

Retirement looms imminently for the doctor ... getting pretty excited and yet a bit apprehensive!  Words from the wise would probably go a long way!

A couple of weeks ago, one of my oldest friends (we go back to the mid 60s) asked what is the oldest joke.  Who knows???  So on Facebook, I posted this question on a group site of people who share memories of the Borscht Belt of the Catskill Mountains in New York state.  A gazillion comedians launched there careers at the hotels of the area going back about 75 years or so.

Figuring I'd get just a couple of submissions, now there appears to be more every week.  I've included a sampling here for your smiling pleasure.  Note, these are about as corny as corny jokes can get!  You've been warned!

Note, too, that if you think you know of an 'oldest joke' candidate, shoot it over so we all can groan together!   STAY COOL  and have a super weekend.  A belated Star Wars greeting to you all: "May the 4th be with you!"   Dr Bernie

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Steve Zetlin: The famished hotel guest becomes annoyed when the waiter’s thumb is sticking in the egg drop soup, but not wanting to make an issue out of it, the guest orders consomme soup, but again the waiter’s thump is clearly in the soup. Still agitated, the guest orders minestrone, and for the third time the thumb’s in the soup. After dessert the guest finally builds up the courage to confront the waiter. “ Just wanted you to know that I didn’t appreciate your thumb being in my soup.” The waiter replies,” Look, I have arthritis, and my doctor says I should keep my thumb in a warm place.” The guest snaps,” Yeah, you know where you can stick your thumb! " And the waiter says. “ Yeah, I do that in the kitchen."


Steven Elkin: Alan King performs for the Queen of England and after the show the Queen says it's nice to meet you Mr. King and Alan replies it's nice to meet you Mrs. Queen.

Steven Elkin: A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable? the man says, I make a good living. courtesy Henny Youngman!

Steven Elkin: I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport!

Steven Elkin: The Dr. gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the Dr. gave him another 6 months!

Steven Elkin: The Dr. called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs Cohen, your check came back. Mrs Cohen replied, So did my Arthritis!

Steven Elkin: short summary of a jewish hoilday: they tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

Steven Elkin: Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a jewish mother on the street and said Lady I haven't eaten in three days. Force yourself, she replied!

Scott Sklar: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
      
Nanci Garrett Domarew: Jewish Mothers don't change light bulbs.
         
Steve Zetlin: What have Jewish girls from Long Island never, heard? ... “Good morning, shoppers. Welcome to K-Mart."

Neal Flomenbaum:  A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. 

Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. 

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"Morris responds, "They'll find us!!

Cara Duro Quinones:

Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. 

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"

Hey, a new FRIDAY FUNNIES issue! 4/4/14

The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie

thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogsppot.com
4 April 2014

Haven’t done one in a while so …

But be warned – I make no guarantee if these will make you happy or upset!  DrB

From Joel Goldstein -  The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

From Cousin Rosie – Some Pix

I think if you click on a pic, you can enlarge it ... I think!  DrB

Hey, remember, I warned you about being happy or upset!

Have a super terrific great weekend!   Dr Bernie