Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the Afternoon Before Xmas ...



Friday, December 24, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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If you’ve hidden yourself away to check your email, I hope you have a teeny bit of guilt … it’s the holiday season!  Nevertheless, I tried to put together another bizarre fUNNIES collection for your holiday needs!

·         Hank Levine via Barry – Golfing Rabbi’s
·         Stan Kegel via SymanSays – Dieter’s Lament
·         Chuck – Digital Nativity
·         Tom Sokolowski- A History Lesson for Dummies
·         Tom Sokolowski- The Husband Store
·         Jeff Buzen – A Little More In Keeping With The Season
·         Dave Thorn – I Work on a Mainframe
·         Chuck – For Us Old Techie Farts …
·         Feedblitz - For All The Precious Wittle Snowflakes
·         Dr Bernie – Reverend Jim’s Driving Test
·         Denny Adams – Waking Up Dead

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From Hank Levine via Barry – Golfing Rabbi’s
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Three very pious, bearded Jews dressed in long black coats and wide-brimmed hats were playing golf.

A guy named Mahoney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play.

So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104.

The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72 respectively.

So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"

The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and
attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mahoney, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, studies for nearly a year, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services, and leads a holy life.

About three months later when golf season starts, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, and 71.

He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.

"Beth Shalom," is the reply

The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! ' Beth Shalom' is for tennis!

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From Stan Kegel via SymanSays – Dieter’s Lament
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'Twas the night before Christmas an all around
my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care.
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Ma in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the refrigerator then threw up the sash.
The marshmellow look of the fallen snow.
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa! Those sugared reindeer!
I closed my eyes tightly but I still could hear,
"On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout, from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds, now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from head to night dress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,

Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
"If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by!"
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night.
"In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!"

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From  Chuck AND from Jeff Buzen – Digital Nativity
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkHNNPM7pJA






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From Tom Sokolowski- A History Lesson for Dummies
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A HISTORY LESSON FOR DUMMIES... 

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"   

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.   

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.   

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where
they were heading.   

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.   

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware.   Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.   

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.   

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.   

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.   

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'   

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men do you have?'   

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'   

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me."

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From Sokolowski – The Husband Store
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Husband Store 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' 
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She
goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 
 (scroll and keep reading!) 


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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From Dave Thorn – I Work on a Mainframe
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0-pLcgq-2M       


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From Chuck – For Us Old Techie Farts …
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From Feedblitz - For All The Precious Wittle Snowflakes.
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From Dr Bernie – Reverend Jim’s Driving Test
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Truly, one of the BEST bits ever in a sitcom!



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From Denny Adams – Waking Up Dead
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An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”


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From Denny Adams – Holiday Merger - Christmukah
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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions, of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.

A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.”



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Have a terrific holiday weekend!  Hope you can all chill out next week and get ready to party to bring in 2011!      J> DrB
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

mONDAY mANIA - 20 DEC 2010


The fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie .... this week ...

Monday, December 20, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at

Quickie set of Funnies … Friday got away from me, Sat was, well Saturday, and Sunday (today was an emotional football roller coaster for any NY football fan)!  Anyway, take what you can get!  Have a great week and Stay Warm!    DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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·      Tom Sokolowski – The Lecture
·      Sokolowski – Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
·      Chuck – Merry Christmas
·      Frank Ingrassia – Quick Thinking
·      Sokolowski – Holiday Eating Tips
·      Sokolowski – Blonde Horseback Rider
·      SymanSays – Things You May Hear Just Before Being Unemployment
·      Denny Adams – Mountain Oysters
·      Cousin Eliane – Birds & Technology


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From  Tom Sokolowski – The Lecture
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A retired gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
 
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
 
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
 
The man replies, “My wife.”
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From Sokolowski – Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
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Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter

November 27, 2010

Associated Press

AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was
stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man
was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his
jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled
a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting
toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them,
Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did notappear to be severe.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms,
a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations and bruises he
obtained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police
arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.

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From Chuck – Merry Christmas
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From Frank Ingrassia – Quick Thinking
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.




SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'




SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'




SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'




SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'




A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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From Sokolowski – Holiday Eating Tips
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS 
1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!
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From Sokolowski – Blonde Horseback Rider
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.
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From SymanSays – Things You May Hear Just Before Being Unemployment
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-From Terry Via: Teddi's Humor List-

- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try.
- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, we are sick of you.
- It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been  responsible for more disasters that anyone else in the place.
- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!
- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
- Tell me, how long have you been with us, not counting tomorrow?
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From Denny Adams – Mountain Oysters
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
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From Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
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Waitress: "Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary."
Gent: "Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. V
enice lunch ready?"
"I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havere? Aix?" "You want Tibet? I prefer turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on gaza bit?"
"Odessa Laugh! Alaska, but listen for his Wales."

"I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java."
"Don't you be Sicily, big boy,. Sweden it yourself. I'll only here to Serbia." "Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Erie. I hope he'll Kenya.
I don't Bolivia know who I am!" "Canada noise,
I dont Carribean. You sure Arrat! "Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be nice!"
"Don''t Kiev me that Bologne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kwait, Assynia! "I'll come back with my France and Tawain when Zanzibar is open."
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From Cousin Eliane – Birds & Technology
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!