03 Dec 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Short days, long nights, napping sounds better and better every day!  And we’re still looking forward to close to another month of holiday ads on everything!  Catch your breath, be cool, and chill out!   J Dr Bernie

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Comments & Contributors
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·        Denny Adams – The Beginning of Life

·        Tom Sokolowski – The Bill & Hillary Kitchen Set

·        Sokolowski – The Pope’s Trip to Maine

·        Leanne via SymanSays – Why I Like Retirement

·        Feedblitz – Limitless or Limited Resources

·        sokolowski – Cats & Dogs

·        Dave Thorn – Solution to those Airport Body Scans

·        Denny Adams – Should You Remarry After Your Spouse Dies?

·        Paul Keister – The Pharmacist’s Monday Morning

·        Feedblitz – Rotting & Rolling

·        Cousin Eliane – Happy Chanukah

·         SymanSays – Thought for the Day

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From Denny Adams – The Beginning of Life

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A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them sternly.

“I have been reviewing your lives,” St. Peter began, “You’ve all done

a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow

any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one

question.”

Peter turned towards the priest, “Father, when does life begin?”

The priest proudly replied, “At the moment of conception!”

Consulting his answer sheet, St. Peter said, “You’ve answered

according to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

As the priest disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned

to the minister. “When does life begin?”

The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, “When the head leaves the

birth canal!”

Peter once again checked his list, saying, “You’ve answered according

to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

As the minister disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned

to the rabbi.

“So, Rabbi, when does life begin?”

The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his beard, and replied, “When the

dog dies and the kids leave home.”

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From Tom Sokolowski – The Bill & Hillary Kitchen Set

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The Bill and Hillary Kitchen Set

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From  Tom Sokolowski – The Pope’s Trip to Maine

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The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of 

Maine for some sightseeing.  He was cruising along the campground in

the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of

the woods. A skinny, helpless democrat, wearing a pony-tail,

Birkenstock sandals, cargo shorts, an 'Obama' cap, and a 'Save the

Trees' t-shirt with a PETA button, was screaming while struggling

frantically and thrashing around  trying to free himself from the grasp

of a 10-foot black bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go

Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the

bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding,

semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using long clubs,

the three loggers  finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto

the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured

democrat in the back  seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.. 'I

give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.  'I have

heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democrat

environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this

is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that

guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied.   'He's in direct contact

with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he

doesn't know squat about bear hunting!  By the way, is the bait still

OK, or do we hafta' to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

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From Leanne via SymanSays – Why I Like Retirement

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Why I like Retirement:   -From Leanne-

Q: How many days in a week?

A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Q: When is retiree's bedtime?

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q: How many retiree's to change a light bulb?

A; Only one, but it might take all day.

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

A: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

A: The term comes witha 10% discount.

Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

A: Tied shoes.

Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

A: NUTS!

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?

A: Normal.

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q: Question-answer of retiree. What do you do all week?

A: Monday through Friday, NOTHING...Saturday and Sunday, I rest.

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From Feedblitz – Limitless or Limited Resources
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http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/card2752.jpg



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From sokolowski – Cats & Dogs

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http://www.dogwork.com/kddk2b/

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From Dave Thorn – Solution to those Airport Body Scans

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Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners and pat-downs at the airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.  The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. 

There would be none of this crap about racial profiling.

The device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant.  I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.   Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers!  We now have a seat available on flight number..."

Done.

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From Denny Adams – Should You Remarry After Your Spouse Dies?

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The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.

Sheila and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday

morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to

immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some

other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

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From Paul Keister – The Pharmacist’s Monday Morning

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The Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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From Feedblitz – Rotting & Rolling

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http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/card2750.jpg

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From Cousin Eliane – Happy Chanukah
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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this?  Give me 22 Orthodox, 16 Conservative, and 12 Reform."

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From SymanSays – Thought for the Day

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      Thought For The Day:

"I know you believe you undertstand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

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Have a terrific weekend!

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