The fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie .... this week ...
Monday, December 20, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
Quickie set of Funnies … Friday got away from me, Sat was, well Saturday, and Sunday (today was an emotional football roller coaster for any NY football fan)! Anyway, take what you can get! Have a great week and Stay Warm! DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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· Tom Sokolowski – The Lecture
· Sokolowski – Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
· Chuck – Merry Christmas
· Frank Ingrassia – Quick Thinking
· Sokolowski – Holiday Eating Tips
· Sokolowski – Blonde Horseback Rider
· SymanSays – Things You May Hear Just Before Being Unemployment
· Denny Adams – Mountain Oysters
· Cousin Eliane – Birds & Technology
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From Tom Sokolowski – The Lecture
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A retired gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
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From Sokolowski – Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
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Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
November 27, 2010
Associated Press
AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was
stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.
Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man
was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his
jacket at the Augusta store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled
a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting
toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them,
Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did notappear to be severe.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms,
a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations and bruises he
obtained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.
The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police
arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.
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From Chuck – Merry Christmas
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From Frank Ingrassia – Quick Thinking
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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From Sokolowski – Holiday Eating Tips
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!
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From Sokolowski – Blonde Horseback Rider
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
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From SymanSays – Things You May Hear Just Before Being Unemployment
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-From Terry Via: Teddi's Humor List-
- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try.
- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, we are sick of you.
- It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters that anyone else in the place.
- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!
- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
- Tell me, how long have you been with us, not counting tomorrow?
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From Denny Adams – Mountain Oysters
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
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From Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
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Waitress: "Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary."
Gent: "Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. V
enice lunch ready?"
"I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havere? Aix?" "You want Tibet? I prefer turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on gaza bit?"
"Odessa Laugh! Alaska, but listen for his Wales."
"I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java."
"Don't you be Sicily, big boy,. Sweden it yourself. I'll only here to Serbia." "Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Erie. I hope he'll Kenya.
I don't Bolivia know who I am!" "Canada noise,
I dont Carribean. You sure Arrat! "Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be nice!"
"Don''t Kiev me that Bologne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kwait, Assynia! "I'll come back with my France and Tawain when Zanzibar is open."
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From Cousin Eliane – Birds & Technology
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