31 May 2013

Friday, May 31, 2013

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


Funny stuff … it doesn’t happen magically or grow on trees!  If you see a good joke from somewhere, send it over!  Have a great weekend!   DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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• Ken – For Golfers Mostly
• Chuck – Memory Stick
• the ImberBabe – 23 Signs You’ve Lived in NYC Too Long
• SyH from mvandriesen@gmail.com - All I Need to Know I learned from a Snowman:
• Tom Sokolowski – 25 Yogi-isms
• Feedblitz- The Panic Button is at the Top of Your Remote
• Feedblitz – Depends on, well, you know
• Sokolowski – Little League
• Sokolowski – When You’re Over Sixty …


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From Ken – For Golfers Mostly
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Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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From Chuck – Memory Stick
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http://imgur.com/4UopQ

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From  the ImberBabe – 23 Signs You’ve Lived in NYC Too Long
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http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/23-signs-youve-lived-in-new-york-city-too-long

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From SyH from mvandriesen@gmail.com - All I Need to Know I learned from a Snowman:
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** It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
** Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
** Wearing white is always appropriate.
** Winter is the best of the four seasons.
** It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
** We're all made up of mostly water.
** Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
** It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
** It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

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From Tom Sokolowski – 25 Yogi-isms
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Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years for the New York Yankees.
He played on 10 World Series Championship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some
Awe-inspiring Stats. His name is consistently brought up as one of the best catchers in baseball history,
And he was voted to the Team of the Century in 1999.

Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren't how you know Lawrence . You know him as Yogi,
A nickname given to him by a friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi.
Yogi is famous for his Fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes nonsensical quotes.
He's closing in on 86, and there Seems to be no end to his fans love for him.

Here are 25 Yogi Berra quotes that will make you shake your head and smile.



1. "It's like deja vu all over again."
2. "We made too many wrong mistakes."
3. "You can observe a lot just by watching."
4. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
5. "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
6. "If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."
7. "If you don't know where you're going, you might end up some place else."
8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his:
"I really didn't say everything I said."
9. "The future ain't what it use to be."
10. "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."
11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant:
"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
12. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
13. "We have deep depth."
14. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
15. When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes:
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
16. "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
17. "Never answer anonymous letters."
18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."
19. "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
20. "Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
21. As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half mental."
22. "I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field),
They had bags over their heads."
23. "It gets late early out there."
24. Carmen Berra, Yogi's wife asked: "Yogi, you are from St. Louis , we live in New Jersey , and you
Played ball in New York . If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi's
Answer: "Surprise me."
25. "It ain't over till it's over.....

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From Feedblitz- The Panic Button is at the Top of Your Remote
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From Feedblitz – Depends on, well, you know
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From Sokolowski – Little League
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At one point during a  game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball  players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what  cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in  the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters  is whether we win or lose together as a  team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know,  when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack  the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole.  Do you understand all that? '

The little boy nodded  'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of  the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not  good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass  or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head  'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach .  . . 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your  grandmother!'

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From Sokolowski – When You’re Over Sixty …
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When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."


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Have a terrific weekend!
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

24 May 2013

Friday, May 24, 2013

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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Hi Everyone !  Not many contributions in the last couple of weeks, but,

here are a few goodies!  Enjoy!  And send stuff!

:) DrB

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From Joel Goldstein – Getting Older

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A distraught senior citizen 

phoned her doctor's office. 

"Is it true," she wanted to know, 

"that the medication 

you prescribed has to be taken 

for the rest of my life?" 

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence 

before the senior lady replied, 

"I'm wondering, then, 

just how serious is my condition 

because this prescription is marked 

'NO REFILLS'.." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older gentleman was 

on the operating table 

awaiting surgery 

and he insisted that his son, 

a renowned surgeon, 

perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 

he asked to speak to his son. 

"Yes, Dad , what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; 

do your best, 

and just remember, 

if it doesn't go well, 

if something happens to me, 

your mother 

is going to come and 

live with you and your wife...." 

(I LOVE IT!)

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Aging: 

Eventually you will reach a point 

when you stop lying about your age 

and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love 

to hear them say "you don't look that old." 

  

--------------------------------- 

The older we get, 

the fewer things 

seem worth waiting in line for. 

~~~~~

Some people

try to turn back their odometers. 

Not me! 

I want people to know why 

I look this way. 

I've traveled 

a long way 

and some of the roads weren't paved. 

  

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When you are dissatisfied 

and would like to go back to youth, 

think of Algebra. 

  

------------------------------- 

One of the many things 

no one tells you about aging 

is that it is such a nice change 

from being young. 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ah, being young is beautiful, 

but being old is comfortable. 

~~~~~~~

First you forget names, 

then you forget faces. 

Then you forget to pull up your zipper... 

it's worse when 

you forget to pull it down. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys, one old, one young, 

are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart 

when they collide. 

The old guy says to the young guy, 

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, 

and I guess I wasn't paying attention 

to where I was going." 

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. 

I'm looking for my wife, too... 

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." 

The old guy says, "Well, 

maybe I can help you find her... 

what does she look like?" 

The young guy says, 

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old,tall, 

with red hair, 

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, 

long legs, 

and is wearing short shorts. 

What does your wife look like?' 

To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter, 

--- let's look for yours." 

(ADORABLE) 

  

********************* 

(And this final one especially for me,) 

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder 

and Your hand over my mouth!" 

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Another from Joel – The Tomato Garden

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(an oldie, but a real goodie!  DrB)

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,

but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like

I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like

the old days.

Love,   Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,

FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up

the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

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From Alan Knight- Another Oldie

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The Original Computer!!!!

This made me laugh out loud...

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!  

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From Annie Shum and Alan Schulman– Sometimes Data Charts Are So Mis-Used

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Have a terrific holiday weekend!

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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, May 3, 2013

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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HI  - long time between issues!  Hope you’re still out there.  As many of you know, I’ve had a couple of serious health problems, but after many many many months, I’m feeling a lot better.  So thanks to Dr Annie, I thought I’d try to start up again with some FUNNIES to start your weekend.

As in the past, send me some great jokes … and I’ll do my best to get ‘em all out!

Take care!   DrB

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From Joanne Morris – If You’ve Got It ..

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Another reason for hand sanitizer
!

"If you've got it, flaunt it!"

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From Roberta Klibaner – Public School Teacher

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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

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From  shirotora.net – Married Couple

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A married couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years, and there's something I have to know ~  In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes?"

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From Joel Goldstein – How It All Began

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In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.  And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. 

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."  And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. 

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." 

"YAHOO," said Abraham. 

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.  Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. 

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).  That is how it all began.  And that's the truth.... NO BULL!

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another From Joel - Wireless

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Have a terrific weekend!

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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!