Friday, December 30, 2011

Friday 30 December 2011




Friday, December 30, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


BELATED HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO ALL!
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Comments & Contributors
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  • SymanSays – I Did Not Know This ….
  • cousin Gaylannie – First Time Sex
  • Susan via SymanSays – Senior Texting Codes
  • Tom Sokolowski – The Haircut
  • SymanSays – A Pair
  • William Huebach’s friend Ron – Too Good Not To Forward
  • Sokolowski – Walmartian Theme Song
  • Sokolowski – Paraprosdokians
  • CharliePitts via Dick Sziede – I Got a New Cell Phone
  • John Meeker – In Preparation for the Holidays
  • Albert Blank – Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah


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From SymanSays – I Did Not Know This ….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Did Not Know This...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

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From cousin Gaylannie – First Time Sex
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

   The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Susan via SymanSays – Senior Texting Codes
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BFF Best Friend's Funeral.
CBM Covered By Medicare.
FWIW Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL Gotta go, Pacemaker Battery Low.
IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On?
ROFL...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing... Can't Get Up!
WAITT Who Am I Talking To?
WTP Where's the Prunes?
WWNO Walker Wheels Need Oil.
GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – The Haircut
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Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

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From William Huebach’s friend Ron – Too Good Not To Forward
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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From SymanSays – A Pair
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From Mr. Shoppe's Corner
I took my wife to a restaurant, The waiter for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said.
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
... And that's when the fight started....


Genders: -From Stan Kegel-

Male or female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Following are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they get bald easily and are often over inflated.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retaining water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they are constantly being looked at, and frequently getting hit on.

Trains: Deifinitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg Timers: Egg timers are female because, over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – Walmartian Theme Song
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Walmart has finally got a theme song!
I suppose it was just a matter of time before this was all set to music.  SO, here it is!   Turn Up The Volume!




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From Sokolowski - Paraprosdokians

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PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


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From CharliePitts via Dick Sziede – I Got a New Cell Phone

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Hi there! I'm so excited!!!


I just learned how to text!


 

 

 



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From John Meeker – In Preparation for the Holidays

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From a trader in London:


 As the Christmas crackdown approaches I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving (something never to be taken lightly).  As many of you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  Well, I have done something about it:


 A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.


 I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got it from!

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From Albert Blank – Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah

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Now, if   anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and

Chanukah you will   know what and how to answer!


1 Christmas is one day, same day every   year, December 25. Jews also

love December 25th. It's another paid day off   work. We go to movies

and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah   is 8 days. It

starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls.   No one

is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when  

Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like 

idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation

from the   World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local

Sinai Memorial Chapel   (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish

funeral home.


2. Christmas is   a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the

same theme as most   Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we

survived, let's eat.


3.   Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,

stereos... Jews   get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or

the collected works of the   Rambam, which looks impressive on the

bookshelf.


4. There is only one   way to spell Christmas No one can decide how to

spell Chanukah, Chanukkah,   Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah,

Hannukah, etc.


5. Christmas is   a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.

Their partners expect   special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that

burden. No one expects a   diamond ring on Chanukah.


6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.   Candles are used for

Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills,   but we get

to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.


7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye  

Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having

a   party and dancing the Hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that

many of   the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal

brethren. And   don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them

beautifully?


8. A   home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell

of cookies and   cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in

festive moods. A home   preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes,

and onions. The home, as   always, is full of loud people all talking

at once.


9. Christian women   have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women

burn their eyes and cut their   hands grating potatoes and onions for

latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of   our suffering through the

ages.


10. Parents deliver gifts to their   children during Christmas. Jewish

parents have no qualms about withholding a   gift on any of the eight

nights.


11. The players in the Christmas   story have easy to pronounce names

such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The   players in the Chanukah story

are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta   whatever. No one can spell

it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell   our friends

anything, and they believe we are wonderfully   versed in our history.


12. Many Christians believe in the virgin   birth. Jews think,

'Yosseleh, snap out of it. Your woman   is pregnant, you didn't sleep

with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's   the number of my

shrink'.


13. In recent years, Christmas has become   more and more

commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it   is a

minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such

as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to

synagogue,   starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your

dehydrated soul, beat your   chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed

good time for you and your family.   Tickets a mere $200 per person.

Better stick with Chanukah!


HAVE A  HAPPY CHANUKAH AND A  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!   



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Have a terrific weekend!

~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, December 9, 2011








Friday, December 9, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

GETTING COLDER HERE IN THE NORTHEAST ... I'M STILL STUCK INSIDE HOOKED UP TO O2 ...SLEEP STUDY POSTPONED UNTIL NEXT WEEK ... OY VEY ... HAPPY GET READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS!   :) DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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  • Elyse K – The Right Way to Do a Weather Alert
  • Chas Young – Retarded Grandparents
  • Clark Kidd – The Little White Lie
  • Alan Knight – European Economics
  • Tom Sokolowski – Miss Bill?
  • Feedblitz – Morally counterproductive
  • Tom Sokolowski – My Daughters’ Decision
  • cousin Toby – Chanukah – Rock of Ages
  • Chas Young – Holy Humor
  • John & Deb – A Nun Grading Papers

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From Elyse K – The Right Way to Do a Weather Alert
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North_Dakota_Weather_Alert!.wmv





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From Chas Young – Retarded Grandparents
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Something to recite to the grandchildren over the holiday season

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(as reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

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From  Clark Kidd – The Little White Lie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it.

 When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.  She exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

 So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.  She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.  Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific  instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

 When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.  Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!  What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

 The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!  She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

 Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

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From Alan Knight – European Economics
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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that Bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
 

Call if you require further information
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Miss Bill?
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Miss Bill Clinton, Don't You!!!

It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
 
 
"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him...his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.."


 ... ya gotta love it!
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From Feedblitz – Morally counterproductive
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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/card3034.jpg



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – My Daughters’ Decision
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My Daughter's Decision
My daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
 Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my new car.
Take my front door key away from me and throw me  out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said was;
Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."


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From cousin Toby – Chanukah – Rock of Ages
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-- CLEVER --

The Chanukah Story in 8 hit songs.
A short medley of pop music parodies through the ages.


http://www.aish.com/h/c/mm/Chanukah_Rock_of_Ages.html

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From Chas Young – Holy Humor
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During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember
these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"...Then how come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy
replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John & Deb – A Nun Grading Papers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
 Aren't Children great!!
   


~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Friday, December 2, 2011

2 December 201





Friday, December 2, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Lots of Laughs this week – long issue alert … so make a bit of extra time for these!  Have a good one!
 
J DrB

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Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • John Meeker – Sexist Joke
  • Garry Lederman – Magnificent
  • Chuck Hopf – Russian Woman
  • Ken – The 2011 Darwin Awards
  • Ed Klibaner – The Purpose of a Dog
  • Brother-in-law Jeff via the Imberbabe – Always Use Good Grammar
  • John Meeker – I’ve Never Been in Cahoots!
  • Ken – Jewish JokeKen – Blind Cowboy
  • Fred Silver – You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
  • John Meeker – The Light Turned Yellow
  • Chas Young - The $100 TATTOO


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – Sexist Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3 kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance.

The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Garry Lederman - Magnificent
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Chuck Hopf – Russian Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)














What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.  I worry about you sometimes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken – The 2011 Darwin Awards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's with great pleasure that I announce..... it's that time again.....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid ways.

You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:


Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.


And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;

THE 2011 WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ed Klibaner – The Purpose of a Dog
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Brother-in-law Jeff via the Imberbabe – Always Use Good Grammar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a
teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling
participle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – I’ve Never Been in Cahoots!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane, but it’s lonely because it’s almost impossible to recognize anyone else who is in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump blindly and I'm not too much on that sort of physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken – Jewish Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Ken – Blind Cowboy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. 
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred Silver – You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wonder why the French are so unpopular?

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France
in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  DeGaulle said he
wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. 

Rusk responded

"Does that include those who are buried here?" 

You could have  heard a pin drop


There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including French and American. 
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying
'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do,
bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat
several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply

Emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have
three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,

They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water
from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven
such ships; how many does France have?' 

You could have heard a pin drop. 

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group
of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was
chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral
suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English
learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and
Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on. 

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked  sarcastically. 

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France
previously. 

"Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." 

The Englishman said,

'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 

"Impossible. You English always have to show your
passports on arrival in France !" 

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look. 
Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944
to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a
passport to." 

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – The Light Turned Yellow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. In mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so, naturally, ... I assumed you had stolen the car ..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young - The $100 TATTOO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at General Hospital   


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Have a terrific weekend!
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