Friday, December 9, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

GETTING COLDER HERE IN THE NORTHEAST ... I'M STILL STUCK INSIDE HOOKED UP TO O2 ...SLEEP STUDY POSTPONED UNTIL NEXT WEEK ... OY VEY ... HAPPY GET READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS!   :) DrB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Elyse K – The Right Way to Do a Weather Alert
• Chas Young – Retarded Grandparents
• Clark Kidd – The Little White Lie
• Alan Knight – European Economics
• Tom Sokolowski – Miss Bill?
• Feedblitz – Morally counterproductive
• Tom Sokolowski – My Daughters’ Decision
• cousin Toby – Chanukah – Rock of Ages
• Chas Young – Holy Humor
• John & Deb – A Nun Grading Papers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Elyse K – The Right Way to Do a Weather Alert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

North_Dakota_Weather_Alert!.wmv

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – Retarded Grandparents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something to recite to the grandchildren over the holiday season

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(as reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Clark Kidd – The Little White Lie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it.

 When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.  She exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

 So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.  She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.  Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific  instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

 When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.  Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!  What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

 The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!  She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

 Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Alan Knight – European Economics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that Bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
 

Call if you require further information
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Miss Bill?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Bill Clinton, Don't You!!!

It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
 
 
"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him...his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.."


 ... ya gotta love it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Feedblitz – Morally counterproductive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/card3034.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – My Daughters’ Decision
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Daughter's Decision
My daughter just walked into the living room and said,
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop.
 Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my new car.
Take my front door key away from me and throw me  out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said was;
Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From cousin Toby – Chanukah – Rock of Ages
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- CLEVER --

The Chanukah Story in 8 hit songs.
A short medley of pop music parodies through the ages.


http://www.aish.com/h/c/mm/Chanukah_Rock_of_Ages.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young – Holy Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember
these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"...Then how come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy
replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John & Deb – A Nun Grading Papers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TOMOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
 Aren't Children great!!
   


~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!