Friday, December 30, 2011

Friday 30 December 2011




Friday, December 30, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


BELATED HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO ALL!
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Comments & Contributors
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  • SymanSays – I Did Not Know This ….
  • cousin Gaylannie – First Time Sex
  • Susan via SymanSays – Senior Texting Codes
  • Tom Sokolowski – The Haircut
  • SymanSays – A Pair
  • William Huebach’s friend Ron – Too Good Not To Forward
  • Sokolowski – Walmartian Theme Song
  • Sokolowski – Paraprosdokians
  • CharliePitts via Dick Sziede – I Got a New Cell Phone
  • John Meeker – In Preparation for the Holidays
  • Albert Blank – Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah


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From SymanSays – I Did Not Know This ….
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I Did Not Know This...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

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From cousin Gaylannie – First Time Sex
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

   The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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From  Susan via SymanSays – Senior Texting Codes
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BFF Best Friend's Funeral.
CBM Covered By Medicare.
FWIW Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL Gotta go, Pacemaker Battery Low.
IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On?
ROFL...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing... Can't Get Up!
WAITT Who Am I Talking To?
WTP Where's the Prunes?
WWNO Walker Wheels Need Oil.
GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In.

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From Tom Sokolowski – The Haircut
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Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

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From William Huebach’s friend Ron – Too Good Not To Forward
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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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From SymanSays – A Pair
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From Mr. Shoppe's Corner
I took my wife to a restaurant, The waiter for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said.
"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
... And that's when the fight started....


Genders: -From Stan Kegel-

Male or female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Following are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they get bald easily and are often over inflated.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retaining water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they are constantly being looked at, and frequently getting hit on.

Trains: Deifinitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg Timers: Egg timers are female because, over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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From Sokolowski – Walmartian Theme Song
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Walmart has finally got a theme song!
I suppose it was just a matter of time before this was all set to music.  SO, here it is!   Turn Up The Volume!

http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A?version=3%22%3E%3Cparam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RzcvFLPg1A&feature=player_embedded


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From Sokolowski - Paraprosdokians

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PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


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From CharliePitts via Dick Sziede – I Got a New Cell Phone

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Hi there! I'm so excited!!!


I just learned how to text!


 

 

 



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From John Meeker – In Preparation for the Holidays

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From a trader in London:


 As the Christmas crackdown approaches I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving (something never to be taken lightly).  As many of you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  Well, I have done something about it:


 A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.


 I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got it from!

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From Albert Blank – Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah

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Now, if   anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and

Chanukah you will   know what and how to answer!


1 Christmas is one day, same day every   year, December 25. Jews also

love December 25th. It's another paid day off   work. We go to movies

and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah   is 8 days. It

starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls.   No one

is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when  

Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like 

idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation

from the   World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local

Sinai Memorial Chapel   (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish

funeral home.


2. Christmas is   a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the

same theme as most   Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we

survived, let's eat.


3.   Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,

stereos... Jews   get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or

the collected works of the   Rambam, which looks impressive on the

bookshelf.


4. There is only one   way to spell Christmas No one can decide how to

spell Chanukah, Chanukkah,   Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah,

Hannukah, etc.


5. Christmas is   a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.

Their partners expect   special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that

burden. No one expects a   diamond ring on Chanukah.


6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.   Candles are used for

Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills,   but we get

to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.


7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye  

Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having

a   party and dancing the Hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that

many of   the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal

brethren. And   don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them

beautifully?


8. A   home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell

of cookies and   cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in

festive moods. A home   preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes,

and onions. The home, as   always, is full of loud people all talking

at once.


9. Christian women   have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women

burn their eyes and cut their   hands grating potatoes and onions for

latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of   our suffering through the

ages.


10. Parents deliver gifts to their   children during Christmas. Jewish

parents have no qualms about withholding a   gift on any of the eight

nights.


11. The players in the Christmas   story have easy to pronounce names

such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The   players in the Chanukah story

are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta   whatever. No one can spell

it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell   our friends

anything, and they believe we are wonderfully   versed in our history.


12. Many Christians believe in the virgin   birth. Jews think,

'Yosseleh, snap out of it. Your woman   is pregnant, you didn't sleep

with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's   the number of my

shrink'.


13. In recent years, Christmas has become   more and more

commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it   is a

minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such

as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to

synagogue,   starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your

dehydrated soul, beat your   chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed

good time for you and your family.   Tickets a mere $200 per person.

Better stick with Chanukah!


HAVE A  HAPPY CHANUKAH AND A  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!   



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Have a terrific weekend!

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