Friday, December 24, 2010
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
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Comments & Contributors
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If you’ve hidden yourself away to check your email, I hope you have a teeny bit of guilt … it’s the holiday season! Nevertheless, I tried to put together another bizarre fUNNIES collection for your holiday needs!
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If you’ve hidden yourself away to check your email, I hope you have a teeny bit of guilt … it’s the holiday season! Nevertheless, I tried to put together another bizarre fUNNIES collection for your holiday needs!
· Hank Levine via Barry – Golfing Rabbi’s
· Stan Kegel via SymanSays – Dieter’s Lament
· Chuck – Digital Nativity
· Tom Sokolowski- A History Lesson for Dummies
· Tom Sokolowski- The Husband Store
· Jeff Buzen – A Little More In Keeping With The Season
· Dave Thorn – I Work on a Mainframe
· Chuck – For Us Old Techie Farts …
· Feedblitz - For All The Precious Wittle Snowflakes
· Dr Bernie – Reverend Jim’s Driving Test
· Denny Adams – Waking Up Dead
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From Hank Levine via Barry – Golfing Rabbi’s
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Three very pious, bearded Jews dressed in long black coats and wide-brimmed hats were playing golf.
A guy named Mahoney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play.
So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104.
The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72 respectively.
So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"
The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and
attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."
Mahoney, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, studies for nearly a year, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services, and leads a holy life.
About three months later when golf season starts, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, and 71.
He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"
"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.
"Beth Shalom," is the reply
The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! ' Beth Shalom' is for tennis!
A guy named Mahoney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play.
So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104.
The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72 respectively.
So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"
The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and
attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."
Mahoney, a true lover of golf, thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, studies for nearly a year, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services, and leads a holy life.
About three months later when golf season starts, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, and 71.
He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"
"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.
"Beth Shalom," is the reply
The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! ' Beth Shalom' is for tennis!
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From Stan Kegel via SymanSays – Dieter’s Lament
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'Twas the night before Christmas an all around
my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care.
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Ma in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the refrigerator then threw up the sash.
The marshmellow look of the fallen snow.
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa! Those sugared reindeer!
I closed my eyes tightly but I still could hear,
"On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout, from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds, now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from head to night dress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn,
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
"If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by!"
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night.
"In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!"
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From Chuck AND from Jeff Buzen – Digital Nativity
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From Tom Sokolowski- A History Lesson for Dummies
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A HISTORY LESSON FOR DUMMIES...
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where
they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me."
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where
they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me."
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From Sokolowski – The Husband Store
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Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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From Dave Thorn – I Work on a Mainframe
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From Chuck – For Us Old Techie Farts …
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From Feedblitz - For All The Precious Wittle Snowflakes.
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From Feedblitz - For All The Precious Wittle Snowflakes.
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From Dr Bernie – Reverend Jim’s Driving Test
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Truly, one of the BEST bits ever in a sitcom!
From Denny Adams – Waking Up Dead
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An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asks.
She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”
She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”
He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
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From Denny Adams – Holiday Merger - Christmukah
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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions, of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.”
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Have a terrific holiday weekend! Hope you can all chill out next week and get ready to party to bring in 2011! J> DrB
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!
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