10 Dec 2010

The fRIDAY fUNNIES by Dr Bernie .... this week ...

Friday, December 10, 2010

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Too cold here in the NorthEast of the USA … but, there’s a good set of FUNNIES here today that should help warm you up for the weekend!

: )   Stay Warm!    DrB

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·      Denny Adams – P.E.T.S.

·      FEEDBLITZ – See Where You’re Coming From.

·      Tom Sokolowski – Flying Update

·      ‘Uncle’ Jack Katz – The Biblical Origin of the Internet

·      cousin Gaylannie – President of Iran

·      Sokolowski – Onions & the Christmas Tree

·      Barbara Rosenberg – Blond in Lingerie

·      the ImberBabe – Jewish Calendar/Zodiac

·      Sokolowski – The Reunion

·      MvanDriessen via Leroy via SyH – 6 Truths of Life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From  Denny Adams – P.E.T.S.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silicon Valley, CA, 10-23-10

People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today

that seven more software companies have been added to the group’s

“watch list” of companies that regularly practice software testing.

“There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that

companies like these can market new products,” said Ken Granola,

spokesperson for PETS. “Alternative methods of testing these products

are available.”

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy

and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time.

Employees are assigned to “break” the software by any means necessary,

and inside sources report that they often joke about “torturing” the

software.

“It’s no joke,” said Granola. “Innocent programs, from the day they

are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and ‘crashed’ for hours on

end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers,

and are unceremoniously deleted when they’re not needed anymore.”

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is

infested with bugs.

“We know alternatives to this horror exist,” he said, citing industry

giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely

successful without resorting to any software testing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From FEEDBLITZ – See Where You’re Coming From.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/card27551.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Tom Sokolowski – Flying Update

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From ‘Uncle’ Jack Katz – The Biblical Origin of the Internet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called "Abraham of Com" did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And "Dot of Com" was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called "Amazon Dot Com". And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How might I do that my dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are".


And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". 'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.


And that is how it all began. Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From cousin Gaylannie – President of Iran

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The President  of  Iran,  Mahmoud  Ahmadinejad, was wondering who to invade  when his telephone rang.

"This  is Mendel Schlepper in Tel Aviv.  We're officially declaring war on  you!"

"How big is your  army?" the Iranian president asked.

"There's  me, my cousin Moishe, Avi Goldberg and our pinochle group, Moe, Larry, Joe,  Shemp and Curly!"

"I  have a million in my army," said the president.

"I'll  call back!" said Mendel.

The next day, he called. "The war's still  on!" We have now a bulldozer, and Simcha Goldberg's  tractor."

"We  have 16,000 tanks, and the Iranian army is now two million  men."

"Oy  gevalt!" (OH GOODNESS!), said Mendel. "I'll call back."

He phoned  the next day. "We're calling off the war."

"Why?",  asked the president.

"Well," said  Mendel, "we've had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two  million prisoners.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Sokolowski – Onions & the Christmas Tree

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Barbara Rosenberg – Blond in Lingerie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde in Lingerie and Wheelchair Gets Extensive TSA Pat Down in Oklahoma

A wheelchair-bound Oklahoma woman stripped down to black lingerie to go through TSA airport security, twice. The first time she was questioned for more than an hour and ended up missing her flight.

Tammy Banovac, a retired dental surgeon, says she expected her wheelchair to set off metal detectors, but she figured by wearing only her lingerie she would be able to avoid a pat down. Apparently she was wrong.

The sexy, 52-year-old blonde, who posed for Playboy in 1997, arrived at the Will Rogers World Airport in Oklahoma City in her trench coat which she peeled off at Transportation Security Administration (TSA) security to reveal her sexy lingerie. She accessorized her sparse outfit with pearls and carried a white dog, for her flight to Phoenix.

The event was caught on video by a fellow passenger.  SEE VIDEO ABOVE

Banovac tells the Oklahoman newspaper she decided to modify her outfit after undergoing what she says was an uncomfortable and intrusive airport pat down last month.

"If it happened anywhere else, it would have been sexual assault," she says.

An airport spokeswoman tells the local CBS affiliate that Banovac, in her lingerie, refused to go through any metal detector at all, and opted for the pat down.

Security officers detected traces of nitrates on the wheelchair when they did the search. Nitrates are used to make explosives.

Branovac says she believes the traces may have been the result of medication. Or perhaps they were from a recent hunting trip, she says.

In any event, she missed her flight after more than an hour of searches and questioning.

The next day she went back to the airport, again in her lingerie, and got through security without a hitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the ImberBabe – Jewish Calendar/Zodiac

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats

showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of

the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish equivalent.

 Now you can find out who you are.

The Year of:

CHICKEN SOUP

1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003

You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better

just being  in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet

their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and

Knish.

EGG CREAM

1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004

You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs

nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're

too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER

1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005

People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I,

chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the

holidays! Bagel's got your back.

BLINTZ

1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006

Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You

play it coy but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover

morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE

1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007

 Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the

inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish.

Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL

1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008

You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's

missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible

with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE

1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009

You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy

banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning

from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR

1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010

 You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A

smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then.

Compatible with Bagel and  Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.

PASTRAMI

1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011

Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice

up life  even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with

Pickle, who's always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE ICE CREAM SODA

1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012

Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or

cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it

"bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.

KNISH

1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013

Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance.

Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in

yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.

LOX

1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014

Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is

bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca.

Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – The Reunion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Lois walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend who was a Green Beret, Gene. He retired from special forces and now they run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on his private part.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Lois says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From MvanDriessen via Leroy via SyH – 6 Truths of Life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6 Truths of Life:  

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at  

  the same time.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover that #1 is a lie..

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5  You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

  I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I need company.

  You now have two options... delete it or send it along to put a  

  smile on someone's face today.

~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!