Friday, August 26, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
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Comments & Contributors
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- Fred Silver – After 40 Years …
- Chas Young – Getting Work Over 50
- Linda Wright – Letter to Mum
- Clark Kidd – Cashing a Check
- Chas Young – Best Diet Yet
- Joanne Tenaglio – Redneck Security System
- Random Jokes – Child of Divorce
- StevenI – I Don’t Have a Life
- StevenI – Her First Period
- John Meeker – 0 to 60 …
- Elyse – New Commandment
- Fred Silver – Perks of Getting Older
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From Fred Silver – After 40 Years …
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After 40 years of marriage...
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep everynight with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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From Chas Young – Getting Work Over 50
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(note: changed to Wal-Mart from Wal-Mart
‘cause we don’t know what Wal-Mart is here
in the states!)
My 1 day of employment ,
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.. .
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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From Linda Wright – Letter to Mum
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A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..
Love, your son, Nicholas.
ps. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk
I love you.
Call when it's safe to come home.
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From Clark Kidd – Cashing a Check
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President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers,
etc. I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
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From Chas Young – Best Diet Yet
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
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From Joanne Tenaglio – Redneck Security System
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REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Coote"
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From Random Jokes – Child of Divorce
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I really hate the way I found out about my parents' divorce.
I really hate the way I found out about my parents' divorce.
What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me
down, she said, 'Michael, I'm leaving your father, I'm going off to
marry another man, and I'm pregnant.'
And that was really messed up, 'cause that should have been three
different trips to get ice cream.
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From StevenI – I Don’t Have a Life
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From StevenI – Her First Period
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Watch the
poor guy on the far right hand side.....
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From John Meeker – 0 to 60 …
From John Meeker – 0 to 60 …
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Michael forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale...
Michael has been missing since Friday...
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From Elyse – New Commandment
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In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
From Elyse – New Commandment
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In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."
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From Fred Silver – Perks of Getting Older
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Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4.People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7.Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9.You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14.Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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Have a terrific weekend!
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