Friday, January 27, 2012
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Dear Earth and Outer Planets - As many of you know, I've been under the weather for a while, and I'm happy to report that I'm on the mend! Yay! So I hope that these fUNNIES will keep you going for a bit.
Note, I know some of you can see an image representing a movie (just click on it) ... they are from YouTube ... but if you don't see the image, then just click on the link to the YouTube video. It all depends on your email program.
Finally, it's my annual plea for jokes (never money!) If you see/read/hear a good one, don't hesitate to shoot it over to me, ok? THANKS! And belated happy new year wishes!
Dr Bernie
PS - Apologies to Minda for not including the comic strips! Next week!
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Comments & Contributors
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- SyMan Says – Thought of the Day
- Tom Sokolowski – Shopping at the Used Girfriend Dealership
- Sokolowski – Good News in the Kitchen
- John & Deb - How the Internet Was Started
- ladyhawk via SymanSays - Preacher Football Terms
- Lonny R – Dating Advice from a Rabbi
- Feedblitz – It’s Corporate Science
- Clark Kidd – The Music Was a Gas!
- Steve Hirsch – If You Haven’t Heard this One …
- Doug T via Barry M - Similes & Metaphors from High School Essays
- Fred Silver – Spread the Stupidity
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From SyManSays
– Thought of the Day
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"So many people
spend their time gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain
their health." -A.J. Reb Materi-
~~~~~
SMILE, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD:
Did you hear the one about a shoe salesman had
dragged out half of his stock to show a lady customer. Finally he said,
"Excuse me, lady, do you mind if I take a break?"
"Your feet are killing me."
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From Tom Sokolowski – Shopping at the Used
Girfriend Dealership
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From Tom
Dennison – Men in Kitchen
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIWO56YHmCY&feature=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIWO56YHmCY&feature=youtu.be
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From Sokolowski
– Good News in the Kitchen
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Good News from the kitchen!
This woman
is 51 yrs old.
She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and
health, and promoting exercise,
a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables.
She recommends detox diets,
colonic irrigation, and supplements.
This woman is also 51.
She is Nigella Lawson...
a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, desserts
and, she washes it all down with WINE!
a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables.
She recommends detox diets,
colonic irrigation, and supplements.
This woman is also 51.
She is Nigella Lawson...
a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, desserts
and, she washes it all down with WINE!
I REST MY CASE.
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From John & Deb - How the Internet Was Started
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How the Internet Was Started
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name
of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot
Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was
often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou
travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and
drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from
his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known
as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the
greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought
off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made
that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of
Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that
reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's
idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate
things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide
to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
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From ladyhawk
via SymanSays - Preacher Football Terms
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(Gotta sneak it in – go GIANTS!)
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(Gotta sneak it in – go GIANTS!)
Quarterback Sneak - Church members
quietly leaving during the invocation.
Draw Play: - What many children do with
the bulletin during worship.
Benchwarmer: - Those who do not sing,
pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield in Motion - Making a trip to
the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to
a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-Minute Warning - The point at which
you realize the sernmon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and
belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his
notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Trap - You're called on to pray and are
asleep.
End Run - Geeting out of church quick,
without speaking to any guest
or fellow member.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants
following the closing prayer.
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From Lonny
R – Dating Advice from a Rabbi
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIAuAcf_18c&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIAuAcf_18c&feature=relmfu
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From Feedblitz
– It’s Corporate Science
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 |
| Its Corporate Science! |
http://www.feedblitz.com/t2.asp?/147031/10269922/0/http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/card3072.jpg
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From Clark
Kidd – The Music Was a Gas!
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I
was in a restaurant recently when I suddenly realized I needed to pass
gas. The music was really loud, so I
just decided to time my emissions with the beat of the music.
After
a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my meal and then noticed that everyone was staring at
me. It was then I realized that I had
been listening to my Ipod...
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From Steve Hirsch – If You Haven’t Heard this One …
From Steve Hirsch – If You Haven’t Heard this One …
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Harry
and Esther are flying to Australia for a 3 week holiday to celebrate
their
40th anniversary.
Suddenly,
over the public address system, the Captain
announces,"Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad
news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able
to
land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and
will
have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks
to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.
An
hour later Harry turns to his wife and asks,
-
Esther, did we pay our Kol Nidre charity pledge to the Synagogue yet?
-
No, sweetheart, - she responds.
Harry,
still shaken from the crash landing then asks,
-
Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Israel Appeal pledge?
-
Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque, - she says.
-
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a cheque for the
Jewish
Care appeal this month?, - he asks.
-
Forgive me, Harry,- begged Esther. - I was so excited about our
holiday
that I didn't send that one, either.
Harry
grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
Esther
pulls away and asks him:
-
So, why did you kiss me?
Harry
answers:
-
They'll find us.
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From Doug T via Barry M - Similes & Metaphors from High School Essays
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. these excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
From Doug T via Barry M - Similes & Metaphors from High School Essays
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. these excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
2.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a dryer without Cling Free.
3.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
4.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature
Canadian beef.
5.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before
it throws up.
6.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his
wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.
9.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't.
10.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.
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From Fred Silver – Spread the
Stupidity
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Spread the Stupidity
Only in America
.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at
the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a
diet coke.
Only in America
......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain
the pens to the
counters..
Only in America
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and
buns in packages
of eight..
Only in America
.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Now that you've
smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and
send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in
other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Spread the
Stupidity!
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Have a terrific weekend!
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