How y’all doin’? Getting colder here on the East Coast as fall is here and Winter is close behind … maybe these will warm you up with some belly laughs! Have a great weekend!
J DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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· Denny Adams - The Night of ThanksGiving
· Denny Adams – This Week in 1850 California
· LadyHawke via SymanSays – Can you read this?
· Denny Adams – The Corporate Plan
· Frank Ingrassia – Clunker Math
· Mr Shoppe’s Corner via SymanSays – Bumper Stickers
· Mrs Dr Bernie (Shelly) - Tide
· Chuck Hopf – Heard on NPR
· Linda Wright – Irish Golf Story
· Fred Silver – Mothers & Sons
· SymanSays – Do You See the Pattern?
· Fred Silver – Tough Love vs Smacking
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From Denny Adams - The Night of ThanksGiving
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T’was the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn’t sleep…
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned…the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees… Happy eating to all — pass the cranberries, please.
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From Denny Adams – This Week in 1850 California
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Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.
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From LadyHawke via SymanSays – Can you read this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If you can read this, you have a strange mind too.
Can you raed tihs? So far olny so mnay plepoe can.
I cdnoult blveiee taht I cluod aulacity usednstnrd waht I Was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of thye hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are.
The olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still read it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcusease the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lieter by istelf, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
Yeah and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt.
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From Denny Adams – The Corporate Plan
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The Corporate Plan
From the Book of Corporate Life. Chapter 1, verses1-15:
1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions.
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, “It is a crock of shit and it stinks.”
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a
crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell.”
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
11. And the Directors went to the Vice President, saying unto hIm, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
12. And the Vice President went to the President, saying unto him, “It has very powerful effects.”
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
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From Frank Ingrassia – Clunker Math
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The person who calculated this bit of information went to high school in Pittsburgh , Pa. He is now & has been a professor at West Virginia University in Morgantown , West Virginia for the last forty some years. I never looked at the clunker program in such depth.
Think of it this way: A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year. A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year. So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. They claim 700,000 vehicles so that's 224 million gallons saved per year. That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil. 5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption. More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.
We spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved.
I'm pretty sure they will do a great job with our health care, though.
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From Mr Shoppe’s Corner via SymanSays – Bumper Stickers
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BUMPER STICKERS: -From Mr. Shoppe's Corner-
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a bettter idiot.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Where there is a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
"Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.
Too many freaks not enough circuses.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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From Mrs Dr Bernie (Shelly) - Tide
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Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life.
As my Mom always told me,
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives
who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough
without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go.....
I have to write to
the Hefty Bag people.
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From Chuck Hopf – Heard on NPR
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Last week when Obama was in India he stopped in at a call center. During his speech there he mentioned that the US had a lot of problems to solve.
The answer was 'unplug America, wait 10 seconds and the plug it back in'.
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From Linda Wright – Irish Golf Story
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A golfer playing while on holiday in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And he walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all
the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here", the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in such a small parish."
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From Fred Silver – Mothers & Sons
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of abouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping hrough photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old ow.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly air when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly..
''Oh, gracious me .. . . '' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, finally says . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays – Do You See the Pattern?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ask Marilyn by Marilyn Vos Savant-
Do you see a pattern of numbers: 8,5,4,9,1,7,6,3,2,0?
-Submitted by Sandie T-
*Answer below.
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SMILE, IT DOES THE BODY GOOD.
Jester Hill:
Mr. and Mrs. Evan Rainn recently announced the engagement of their daughter Misty, to Mr. James Storm of Scranton. We have learned that Misty intends to keep her maiden name as well as take her husband's name.
The future Mrs. Rainn-Storm says the ceremony will be held next April.
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*ANSWER: The digits are in alphabetical order; eight, five, four, nine, one, seven, six, three, two, zero.
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From Fred Silver – Tough Love vs Smacking
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Most people think it improper to smack children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
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Have a terrific weekend!
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