- Feedblitz – So Shift the Tides
- Joel Goldstein – Are You Ready for an Old Age Home?
- Tom Sokolowski – Unintended Consequences
- Feedblitz - Embarrassing
- Tom Sokolowski – The Woman Marine Pilot
- Eddie – The Joys of Aging
- Lonny Rosenberg - Answers
- Joanne Tenaglio – The Hotel Bill
- Denny Adams – A Good Pun Is Its Own Reward (One-Liners)
- Maureen Zack – The True Story Of Why The Chicken Crossed The Road
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From Feedblitz – So Shift the Tides
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From Joel Goldstein – Are You Ready for an Old Age Home?
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
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From Tom Sokolowski – Unintended Consequences
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Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles: "You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he asks.
"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.
"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it."
"That's rough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg ... then it won't show?" Rick suggests.
Joe agrees this is a great idea; Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.
A few days later, they meet again:
"Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes," Joe reports.
"That's great!"
"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress."
"Great! How'd it go?"
Joe slumps down in his chair. "I kicked her in the face."
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From Feedblitz - Embarrassing
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From Tom Sokolowski – The Woman Marine Pilot
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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From Eddie – The Joys of Aging
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A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Scroll down
Amazing I did not see it before..
The Blonde is the one With the wrong leg up.
Thats OK. I didn’t pass the test EITHER!!!!
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From Lonny Rosenberg - Answers
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Why Do Women Live Longer Than Men?
Why Are Women More Attractive Than Men?
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From Joanne Tenaglio – The Hotel Bill
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
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From Denny Adams – A Good Pun Is Its Own Reward (One-Liners)
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Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with Battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
A Freudian slip: when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory. Unfortunately, it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name “Pavlov” ring a bell?
A successful diet: the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana (Groucho).
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Incongruous: where bills are passed.
Pasteurize: too far to see.
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From Maureen Zack – The True Story Of Why The Chicken Crossed The Road
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©2008 Hairy Dog Productions
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today, All Rights Reserved unless otherwise noted. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!
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