This Week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES bY dR bERNIE
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The machine went belly up but I have a backup that's resting.
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
25 February 2011
Hi Everyone! Rain, rain, go away ... and don't come back for a long time ... and take the winds with you! Ugh!
Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Contributions This Week From -
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- Stan Kegel via SyH - Glorious Giggles
- Eliane Lederman - When to Start Cussing
- MVanDriessen via SyH - Name Please
- Hank Levine via Barry - A Sad Passing
- Tom Sokolowski - Siamese Twins Walk into a Bar
- FeedBlitz - Knocked Off Your Feet
- Fred Silver - Andy Gray's Resignation Letter
- Tom Sokolowski - Mrs Hughes
- Sokolowski - Golf is Easy
- Barry - Witicisms of Ignorance
fROM Stan Kegel via SyH - Glorious Giggles
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Glorious Giggles: -From Stan Kegel-
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes."
She asked me.
"Single click or double click?"
________
Teacher: "Max, use 'defeat,' 'defence,' and 'detail' in a sentence."
Max: "When the rabbit cut across the field, defeat went over defence before detail."
_________
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said,
"You know, I just heard a discouraging word."
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Glorious Giggles: -From Stan Kegel-
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes."
She asked me.
"Single click or double click?"
________
Teacher: "Max, use 'defeat,' 'defence,' and 'detail' in a sentence."
Max: "When the rabbit cut across the field, defeat went over defence before detail."
_________
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said,
"You know, I just heard a discouraging word."
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fROM Eliane Lederman - When to Start Cussing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old
asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4
year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast,
he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"
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fROM MVanDriessen via SyH - Name Please
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A country traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the
posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs.
Ladislov Abdulkhashim Zybkcicrasnovskaya from the Republic of Ubekistan,
visiting my daughter at Columbia.
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said,
"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
fROM MVanDriessen via SyH - Name Please
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A country traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the
posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs.
Ladislov Abdulkhashim Zybkcicrasnovskaya from the Republic of Ubekistan,
visiting my daughter at Columbia.
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said,
"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry - A Sad Passing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sad Passing
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota . Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and, share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
fROM Hank Levine via Barry - A Sad Passing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sad Passing
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota . Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and, share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - Siamese Twins Walk into a Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski - Siamese Twins Walk into a Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Bubba. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a
car and drive for miles. Don't we, Bubba?". Bubba agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the
beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Bubba? And we can't stand the English -- they're so
arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Bubba gets to drive."
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fROM FeedBlitz - Knocked Off Your Feet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 |
| Love? Broken Elevator? |
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fROM Fred Silver - Andy Gray's Resignation Letter
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Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........
I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a
job that I've loved doing.
However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my
friend that I was going to tell on air next week.
You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of
teenage boys.
One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the
field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok sweetheart?" she says.
"Yes Miss" he replies.
"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It's best I stay here Miss." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"
Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray
fROM Fred Silver - Andy Gray's Resignation Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........
I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a
job that I've loved doing.
However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my
friend that I was going to tell on air next week.
You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of
teenage boys.
One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the
field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok sweetheart?" she says.
"Yes Miss" he replies.
"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It's best I stay here Miss." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"
Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray
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fROM Tom Sokolowski - Mrs Hughes
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fROM Tom Sokolowski - Mrs Hughes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Sokolowski - Golf is Easy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/4814568
fROM Sokolowski - Golf is Easy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://blip.tv/file/4814568
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barry - Witicisms of Ignorance
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fROM Barry - Witicisms of Ignorance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It 's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.
when blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you..
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..
<> One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten...
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.
when blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you..
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you..
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name..
<> One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
You know why a banana is like a politician?
When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten...
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started.
No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011. All Rights Reserved.
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