Friday, October 28, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Joanne Morris – Who’s on First Today
- shirotora – Don’t Fart in Harrods
- shiratora – How To Be Cruel to Old Guys
- Chuck – My Blackberry is not Working
- Again from Shirotora – Brilliant Security Plan
- Chas Young – Brain Study
- @ZoliErdos via Dr Annie – Saw this on Twitter
- Bill Fairchild – Speed
- Hirai – What Difference Does 30 Years Make?
- Dr Steven – Funny Picture
- Chuck – The Other Side of Rushmore
- Dave Thorn – Vote Republican 2.0
- Chas Young- Great Truths & Best Sentences
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joanne
Morris – Who’s on First Today
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Bud
Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today
their
infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO
CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT:
Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a
computer.
ABBOTT:
Mac?
COSTELLO:
No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT:
Your computer?
COSTELLO:
I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT:
Mac?
COSTELLO:
I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT:
What about Windows?
COSTELLO:
Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT:
Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO:
I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT:
Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:
Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:
No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I
just did.
COSTELLO:
You just did what?
ABBOTT:
Recommend something.
COSTELLO:
You recommended something?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
For my office?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:
Office.
COSTELLO:
Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I
recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO:
I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my
computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT:
Word.
COSTELLO:
What word?
ABBOTT:
Word in Office.
COSTELLO:
The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT:
The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:
Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT:
The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO:
I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT:
It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:
What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:
Money.
COSTELLO:
Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT:
Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO:
I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:
One copy.
COSTELLO:
Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT:
Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO:
They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT:
Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few
days later...
ABBOTT:
Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:
How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT:
Click on 'START'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From shirotora – Don’t Fart in Harrods
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
lady walks into Harrods.
She
looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over
to
look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little
whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As
she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman
standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool
as
a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional
in a store like Harrods.
He
politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing
and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little
'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He
answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Shiratora – How To Be Cruel to Old Guys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chuck
– My Blackberry is not Working
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Again from Shirotora – Brilliant Security Plan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got to love this, what a bloody good idea!!!
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that
eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the
airports.
Its an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you,
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with
none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a
long and expensive trial.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled
explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby
passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.
BRILLIANT !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas
Young – Brain Study
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good
example of a Brain Study:
If you
can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR
M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W,
0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7
17, B3 PROUD!
ONLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From @ZoliErdos
via Dr Annie – Saw this on Twitter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
@ZoliErdos: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
@ZoliErdos: 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Bill
Fairchild & from Dick Sziede - Speed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bartender says,
"We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here."
A neutrino
walks into a bar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Hirai
– What Difference Does 30 Years Make?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What
Difference Does 30 Years Make?
During
the 80s, most CIOs cherished Mr. Blue.
Today, 30 years later, they all cherish Dr. Blue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Dr Steven - Funny Picture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chuck – The Other Side of Rushmore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Chas Young- Great Truths
& Best Sentences
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What applies in USA applies equally for those of us in
other countries.
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one
useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. --
John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if
you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by
the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his
fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a
sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
(1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money
from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas
Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which
everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in
a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And
if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and
report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until
you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking
as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. --
Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with
a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald
Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing
of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a
taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects
of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal
class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you
want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones
to public office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by
legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for...another
person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the
government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not
have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when
the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody
else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of
any nation!
Can you think of a reason for not sharing this? Neither
could I....
~~~~~~~~
Have a
terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~
© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie,
1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use
any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective
author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!
