Hi Everyone! Hot rainy week implies we get super great weather this weekend? I hope so ! Note, this weeks set of fUNNIES out perverted, get’s cleaned up, and ends with a couple of really demented jokes! You’ve been warned!
………………….. Dr Bernie --- What's in the fUNNIES this week? ---
- Tom Sokolowski – Parental Porn Blocker
- Sy H – Jest for the Pun of It
- Barbara Rosenberg – Wally’s Wedding Night
- Laurie Guido – Clueless Secretary Makes for Hilarious Office Email Thread
- Frank Ingrassia – The Winner at Dog Obedience School
- Dave Thorn – Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
- Lori Winick – Geography Lesson
- Chas Young – Greenie Revenge!
- cousin Eliane Lederman - Chutzpah
- Joanne Tenaglio – A Senior’s Letter to Her Bank
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From Tom Sokolowski – Parental Porn Blocker
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For all you people who have children that have computers. The great porn blocker is so great it will freak them out... They may never use the computer again......... Thanks go out to Conan O'Brien and his staff for this one!
For all you people who have children that have computers. The great porn blocker is so great it will freak them out... They may never use the computer again......... Thanks go out to Conan O'Brien and his staff for this one!
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From Sy H – Jest for the Pun of It
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Miscellaimlessly: (From The Pun American Newsletter)
- A man died leaving one hundred clocks. His son is winding up the estate.
- We know a math teacher who also teaches dance. She calls her class logarhythms.
- I won't say he's dumb but the only things he passed in college were kidney stones.
- Poetic architects write in ionic pentameter.
- The horticulturist was arrested for making obscene fern calls.
- It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
- A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
- He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
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From Barbara Rosenberg – Wally’s Wedding Night
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At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
........."You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
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From Laurie Guido – Clueless Secretary Makes for Hilarious Office Email Thread
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From Frank Ingrassia – The Winner at Dog Obedience School
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From Dave Thorn – Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
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As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"
So I did.
I wont be at Mass this week.
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From Lori Winick – Geography Lesson
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
THE END.
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From Chas Young – Greenie Revenge!
From Chas Young – Greenie Revenge!
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The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible
for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into
the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3
hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took
you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks
and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of
Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber'
from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
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From cousin Eliane Lederman - Chutzpah
From cousin Eliane Lederman - Chutzpah
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Bill Gates ( about as Goyish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job screening. They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, man. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".
Bill Gates ( about as Goyish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job screening. They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, man. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".
Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?"
Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?"
He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian."
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonaï."
The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."
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From Joanne Tenaglio – A Senior’s Letter to Her Bank
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Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact that I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Notary Public must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number that he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE’ US SENIORS”!!!!! )
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.
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