Thursday, January 27, 2011

28 Jan 2011



This Week in the Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie ...


Friday, January 28, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Joel Goldstein – Old Rock Stars
  • Hank Levine via Barry - Humorous Sanitation Trucks
  • Feedblitz – Grandpa Keeps Caterpillars
  • Denny Adams – The Ambidexterous Golfer
  • Irving4 – Amazing!  Regifting Robin
  • Tom Sokolowski - Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming
  • Steve & Judy Hirsch – A Well Planned Retirement
  • Steve Hirsch – Winners of the Neologism Contest
  • Sokolowski – Nominated for Bests Email of the Year 2010
  • Barbara Rosenberg – British Humor
  • Sokolowski – Just a Cup of Tea
  • Barbara Rosenberg – No Parent Left Behind
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From Joel Goldstein – Old Rock Stars
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Treat yourself to 5 minutes of watching this!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Hank Levine via Barry - Humorous Sanitation Trucks
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Feedblitz – Grandpa Keeps Caterpillars

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Denny Adams – The Ambidexterous Golfer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t
quite the same without him. 
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room.
Curious, she spoke up, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good.


Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say ‘yes,’ but she had them on the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would
discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem
and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled
their eyes but said this would be okay.


She smiled and said, “Good, then I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the
clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.


She smiled and said “Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the
guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn’t figure her out.


She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!


In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late!


This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her,
they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her
part. Finally she showed up.


This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to
keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could
figure out!


Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability.


They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up.


Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?”


The lady blushed and grinned. She said, “That’s easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth.


Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered
he always sleeps in the nude.


From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
“you-know-what” was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.


Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
 

“But what if it’s pointed straight up in the air?”

She said, “Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

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From Irving4 – Amazing!  Regifting Robin
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Something different to keep you busy while you are waiting for the Supr Bowl.  Pleas turn your Speakers on...........

Someone needs to figure out how this works! Amazing.

To my gifted friends. This stumped me. If you can figure out how it's done please
let me know.


I never even touched the cursor on my chosen number.  Once I did not even follow the directions, I just looked at the number and she still got it!


This will drive you crazy!



Click here: Regifting Robin
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From Tom Sokolowski - Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming
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Too Good!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Steve & Judy Hirsch – A Well Planned Retirement
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Steve Hirsch – Winners of the Neologism Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
 9.  Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and  gets stuck there.
 16. Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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From Sokolowski – Nominated for Best Email of the Year 2010
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NOMINATED FOR “BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR 2010"!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:   


'Let me see if I've got this right. 


'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instil in them a love for learning.  


'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.  


'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.  


'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.


'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.  


'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.  


'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. .. . I CAN'T PRAY!

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From Barbara Rosenberg – British Humor
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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:  
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY
!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"




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From Sokolowski – Just a Cup of Tea
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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From Barbara Rosenberg – No Parent Left Behind
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NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND..... Yikes!

You might not read these without having to laugh out loud.....


These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .


Spellings have been left intact......


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.


12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.     


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Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

23 Jan 2011 (Sunday)





Sunday, January 23, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com


Consumed this past week with school & family stuff … you know how it goes … Anyway, I’m hopeful that some of these will crack you up!

And please, think Green & White today:  I’m a lifelong NY JETS fan!  Have pity on those like me after 42 years of hoping for a championship!

J Dr Bernie

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Comments & Contributors
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·         Paul Keister - Southern Home Security System
·         Denny Adams – Punishment
·         Paul Keister – Another Blonde Story
·         Tom Sokolowski – Passing the Gavel
·         Sokolowski – Cenesthetic Hallucination
·         indexed - Possession and the Law
·         Barbara Rosenberg – British Classified Ads
·         cousin Toby – How Children Think
·         indexed – We’ll Just Get a New One
·         Joanne Tenaglio – 54-Year Old Woman
·         Sokolowski – The Talk
·         Sokolowski – Prayer for 2011

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From Paul Keister - Southern Home Security System
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Home Security System

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 

1.  Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2.   Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 

3.   Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.   Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.

5.   Leave a note on your door that reads: 

"Bubba, 

Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.  Be right back. 

Cooter
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From Denny Adams - Punishment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before
the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called
them into his study the next day.

Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted
that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then
went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried
peas.


“Put these in your shoes,” he told them, “and walk on
them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be
when you turn away from the Law.”


A few days later the two students met. One was limping
terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very
tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.


“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so
freely? Didn’t you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas
in your shoes?”


“Of course I did,” said the other. “How could I disobey the
Rabbi?” He started to walk away, paused, and then said, “But I
boiled them first.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From  Paul Keister – Another Blonde Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box  of
frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care
of them for him. 
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner
that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.. 
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the
crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

 
Two lessons here:

1.  Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.  Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
 


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From Tom Sokolowski – Passing the Gavel
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – Cenesthetic Hallucination
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.- Click on the link below
2.- 
Then "click me to get trippy",
3.- 
Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds (no cheating), and then 
4.-
 Look at your hand holding the mouse, without moving it away from the mouse.
You'll be shocked at what you see.
   ( it is called "cenesthetic hallucination")


    
http://www.neave.com/strobe/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From indexed - Possession and the Law
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Barbara Rosenberg – British Classified Ads
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(with apologies to my friends and family from the UK - DrB J)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:  
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY
!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From cousin Toby – How Children Think
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1)    NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!

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From indexed – We’ll Just Get a New One
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Joanne Tenaglio – 54-Year Old Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)








God replied: "Darn! I didn't even recognize you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – The Talk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sokolowski – Prayer for 2011
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear God:  

For 2011, all I ask for is a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen
     


~~~~~~~~
Have a terrific weekend!
~~~~~~~~

© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today,  All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff!  Thanks!