Sunday, January 23, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Consumed this past week with school & family stuff … you know how it goes … Anyway, I’m hopeful that some of these will crack you up!
And please, think Green & White today: I’m a lifelong NY JETS fan! Have pity on those like me after 42 years of hoping for a championship!
J Dr Bernie
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Comments & Contributors
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· Paul Keister - Southern Home Security System
· Denny Adams – Punishment
· Paul Keister – Another Blonde Story
· Tom Sokolowski – Passing the Gavel
· Sokolowski – Cenesthetic Hallucination
· indexed - Possession and the Law
· Barbara Rosenberg – British Classified Ads
· cousin Toby – How Children Think
· indexed – We’ll Just Get a New One
· Joanne Tenaglio – 54-Year Old Woman
· Sokolowski – The Talk
· Sokolowski – Prayer for 2011
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From Paul Keister - Southern Home Security System
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Southern Home Security System
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.
5. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
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From Denny Adams - Punishment
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Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before
the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called
them into his study the next day.
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before
the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called
them into his study the next day.
that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then
went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried
peas.
“Put these in your shoes,” he told them, “and walk on
them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be
when you turn away from the Law.”
A few days later the two students met. One was limping
terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very
tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so
freely? Didn’t you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas
in your shoes?”
“Of course I did,” said the other. “How could I disobey the
Rabbi?” He started to walk away, paused, and then said, “But I
boiled them first.”
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From Paul Keister – Another Blonde Story
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of
frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care
of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner
that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out..
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the
crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care
of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner
that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out..
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the
crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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From Tom Sokolowski – Passing the Gavel
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From Sokolowski – Cenesthetic Hallucination
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1.- Click on the link below
2.- Then "click me to get trippy",
3.- Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds (no cheating), and then
4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse, without moving it away from the mouse.
You'll be shocked at what you see.
( it is called "cenesthetic hallucination")
http://www.neave.com/strobe/
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From indexed - Possession and the Law
From indexed - Possession and the Law
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From Barbara Rosenberg – British Classified Ads
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(with apologies to my friends and family from the UK - DrB J)
(with apologies to my friends and family from the UK - DrB J)
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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From cousin Toby – How Children Think
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1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!
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From indexed – We’ll Just Get a New One
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From Joanne Tenaglio – 54-Year Old Woman
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Darn! I didn't even recognize you."
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While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Darn! I didn't even recognize you."
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From Sokolowski – The Talk
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From Sokolowski – Prayer for 2011
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Dear God:
For 2011, all I ask for is a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
Amen
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Have a terrific weekend!
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© thefridayfunniesbydrbernie, 1996-today, All Rights Reserved. If you use any of the FUNNIES contained here, please give credit to the respective author/submitter … they work hard at this creative stuff! Thanks!
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