28 Jan 2011

	This Week in the Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie ...

Friday, January 28, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

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Comments & Contributors
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• Joel Goldstein – Old Rock Stars
• Hank Levine via Barry - Humorous Sanitation Trucks
• Feedblitz – Grandpa Keeps Caterpillars
• Denny Adams – The Ambidexterous Golfer
• Irving4 – Amazing!  Regifting Robin
• Tom Sokolowski - Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming
• Steve & Judy Hirsch – A Well Planned Retirement
• Steve Hirsch – Winners of the Neologism Contest
• Sokolowski – Nominated for Bests Email of the Year 2010
• Barbara Rosenberg – British Humor
• Sokolowski – Just a Cup of Tea
• Barbara Rosenberg – No Parent Left Behind

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From Joel Goldstein – Old Rock Stars

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http://bit.ly/aeYmV6

Treat yourself to 5 minutes of watching this!

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From Hank Levine via Barry - Humorous Sanitation Trucks

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From  Feedblitz – Grandpa Keeps Caterpillars

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http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/card2794.jpg

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From Denny Adams – The Ambidexterous Golfer

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Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t
quite the same without him. 

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room.
Curious, she spoke up, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good.

Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say ‘yes,’ but she had them on the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting
pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would
discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem
and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled
their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, “Good, then I’ll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the
clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled and said “Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the
guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn’t figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late!

This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her,
they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her
part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to
keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could
figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability.

They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, “That’s easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered
he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
“you-know-what” was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
 
“But what if it’s pointed straight up in the air?”

She said, “Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

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From Irving4 – Amazing!  Regifting Robin

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Something different to keep you busy while you are waiting for the Supr Bowl.  Pleas turn your Speakers on...........

Someone needs to figure out how this works! Amazing.

To my gifted friends. This stumped me. If you can figure out how it's done please
let me know.

I never even touched the cursor on my chosen number.  Once I did not even follow the directions, I just looked at the number and she still got it!

This will drive you crazy!


Click here: Regifting Robin

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From Tom Sokolowski - Senior Olympic Synchronized Swimming

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Too Good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eR11SE0RA0&feature=player_embedded#!

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From Steve & Judy Hirsch – A Well Planned Retirement
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From Steve Hirsch – Winners of the Neologism Contest

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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9.  Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and  gets stuck there.

 16. Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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From Sokolowski – Nominated for Best Email of the Year 2010

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NOMINATED FOR “BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR 2010"!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:    'Let me see if I've got this right.  'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instil in them a love for learning.   'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.   'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job.   'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.   'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.   'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. .. . I CAN'T PRAY!

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From Barbara Rosenberg – British Humor

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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:  
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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From Sokolowski – Just a Cup of Tea
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ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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From Barbara Rosenberg – No Parent Left Behind

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NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND..... Yikes!

You might not read these without having to laugh out loud.....


These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .


Spellings have been left intact......


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.


12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.     

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Have a terrific weekend!

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