25 March 2011

The fRIDAY fUNNIES  - edited by Dr. Bernie

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 
The archives will one day reside again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

25 March 2011

Hi Everyone!  

Hot off the presses this afternoon … get your fUNNIES while they’re hot!   ENJOY them and the weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·         Barbara Rosenberg – Senior Wedding

·         Feedblitz – Stop Plundering and Looting!

·         Feedblitz – Draw the Curtains  & Lock the Doors!

·         Cousin Eliane – Who is Generation Y ?

·         Tom Sokolowski – The Human Body

·         Barry – Guess Where This Photo Was Taken?

·         Denny Adams – You Tube: The Gong Show

·         fred Silver – I Love the PS at the Bottom!

·         Barbara Alpern via SyH – Let Me Enjoy!  

·         Aunt Marilyn – Growing Up Jewish

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Senior Wedding

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is so cute .

   

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore..

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The

Pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Stop Plundering and Looting!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Stop Looting & Plundering, People!

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM Feedblitz – Draw the Curtains  & Lock the Doors!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Draw the Curtains & Lock the Doors
  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane – Who is Generation Y ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thought you all needed the explanation.  I know I did, now I completely
understand! 

The  Silent  Generation  are  people born before  1946. 
 

The  Baby  Boomers  are  people born between 1946 and  1965. 
 

Generation  X  are  people born between 1965 and  1979.   
 

Generation  Y  are  people born between 1980 and  1996. 
 

Why  do we call the last  one  Generation  Y?   I  did not know until now,  but  the cartoon below explains it eloquently...  
 

And  now, you too have learned something new  too! 

Generation Y

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Human Body
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

This one made me laugh out loud...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barry – Guess Where This Photo Was Taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is Viagra's Head Office in Toronto ( Canada )

 
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – You Tube: The Gong Show
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

http://tinyurl.com/4rsyj9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM fred Silver – I Love the PS at the Bottom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my  darling  husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just

want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the  driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get

hurt, so please don't  worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the  brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150

fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I  know with your kind-

hearted personality you will forgive me. 

You  know how much I love you and care for you my

sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving  wife. XXX

Oh, P.S: Your  girlfriend  phoned.

 I'm So Sorry!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Barbara Alpern via SyH – Let Me Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still can't work a VCR

Or program a computer

(I flunked a night school seminar

and stupified the tutor)

I do not own a  push up bra

A cellphone or Jacuzzi

I'm not quite clear on Yo-Yo Ma

And white wine makes me woozy.

I don't work with hunks named Bjorn

Or any private trainer.

Instead I watch "A Star is Born"

The one with Janet Gaynor.

I never wear athletic shoes 

Or jog with gasping ladies

For God's sake let me grab a snooze

And just enjoy my eighties (or 70s, 60s, 50s –whatever fits!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – Growing Up Jewish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Growing up Jewish:
 
         If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish
  population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the
  following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........
 
        The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation:
      THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of   Israel , the Cellulites.
 
         The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go! You might meet  somebody!"
 
         You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
 
         Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
 
         Every Sunday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be  strictly off-limits until Sunday when he got back and called us to the table. 
         Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
 
         You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
 
         You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
 
         You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
 
         You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven..
 
         You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.
 
         You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz). (what about sky or off? )
 
         You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
 
         You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
 
         When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
 
         You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
 
         You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean..
      Kaynahurra.
 
      You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
 
         You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
 
         Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.
 
         You thought speaking loud was normal.
 
         You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of  Hebrew School Free" card.
 
         You  think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome
      snack.
 
      You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel
cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants..
 
         You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or   Philadelphia  or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)  (or knishes from Brighton Beach )
 
         Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc..)  and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.
 
         You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
 
         And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for chatting about how great life is !!         

  Zei gezunt!! (be healthy!)

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email! Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Dr. Bernie Domanski
 Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.  

18 March 2011

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

18 March 2011

Hi Everyone!  

Spring is springing all around … hope you’re enjoying some great weather!  If not, these should get a smile on your face!  Have a superdooper weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·       Fred Silver – Men are just born this way!

·       Stan Kegel - The Spell Checker 

·       Barry - World's Scariest License Plate Number 

·      Feedblitz – A Crumby Deal

·      Eddie – Clarifying Reality

·      SyH – Just for the Pun of It

·      Feedblitz – Look Sharp!

·      Chuck – A St. Patrick’s Day Joke

·      Tom Sokolowski – Best Shutup Line Ever

      ·      Denny Adams – The Lizard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Men are just born this way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Spell Checker 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To make sure you have spelled everything right, always run everything through a spell checker. We do. This is actually a poem about the Spell Checker. We ran it through and no spelling errors at all.

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks for my revue
Mistakes I do not sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this message threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM Barry - World's Scariest License Plate Number 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

I might try to pass her, but I damn sure wouldn't honk my horn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – A Crumby Deal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Crumby Deal

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie – Clarifying Reality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm confused about the word " Service" used with these agencies: Internal Revenue ' Service ', U.S. Postal ' Service ', Telephone ' Service ', Civil ' Service ', Customer ' Service '. This is not what I thought ' Service ' meant.

Today, I overheard two farmers.. one said he had hired a bull to ' Service ' all his cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SyH – Just for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk. "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mounatain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

He swallowed them hawk, lion, and stinker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Look Sharp!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck – A St. Patrick’s Day Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Irishmen left the bar early..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Best Shutup Line Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian  treasure!'  
 
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.  Read his reply to the lady who 
interviewed him concerning guns and children.  This is one of the best comeback lines of all
 time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and 
General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military 
Headquarters.   
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach 
these young boys when  they visit your base?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and 
shooting.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the 
rifle range.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity 
to be teaching  children?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline 
before they  even touch a firearm.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're 
not one, are you?  
 
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Denny Adams – The Lizard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river
--

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, Hey you!’

So the koala looked down at him and said  ‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink!?’

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski  Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.