The fRIDAY fUNNIES - edited by Dr. Bernie
The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and
at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
The archives will one day reside again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and
at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
The archives will one day reside again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
25 March 2011
Hi Everyone!
Hot off the presses this afternoon … get your fUNNIES while they’re hot! ENJOY them and the weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From
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Contributions This Week From
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· Barbara Rosenberg – Senior Wedding
· Feedblitz – Stop Plundering and Looting!
· Feedblitz – Draw the Curtains & Lock the Doors!
· Cousin Eliane – Who is Generation Y ?
· Tom Sokolowski – The Human Body
· Barry – Guess Where This Photo Was Taken?
· Denny Adams – You Tube: The Gong Show
· fred Silver – I Love the PS at the Bottom!
· Barbara Alpern via SyH – Let Me Enjoy!
· Aunt Marilyn – Growing Up Jewish
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Senior Wedding
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Senior Wedding
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This is so cute .
This is so cute .
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore..
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The
Pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Stop Plundering and Looting!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Stop Plundering and Looting!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 | ||||
| Stop Looting & Plundering, People! |
fROM Feedblitz – Draw the Curtains & Lock the Doors!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Draw the Curtains & Lock the Doors |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Eliane – Who is Generation Y ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thought you all needed the explanation. I know I did, now I completely
understand!
fROM Cousin Eliane – Who is Generation Y ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thought you all needed the explanation. I know I did, now I completely
understand!
The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1965.
Generation X are people born between 1965 and 1979.
Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1996.
Why do we call the last one Generation Y? I did not know until now, but the cartoon below explains it eloquently...
And now, you too have learned something new too!
 |
| Generation Y |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Human Body
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Human Body
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
This one made me laugh out loud...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barry – Guess Where This Photo Was Taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barry – Guess Where This Photo Was Taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 |
| This is Viagra's Head Office in Toronto ( Canada ) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – You Tube: The Gong Show
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fROM Denny Adams – You Tube: The Gong Show
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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fROM fred Silver – I Love the PS at the Bottom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM fred Silver – I Love the PS at the Bottom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my darling husband, |
Before you return from your overseas trip I just |
want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get |
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 |
fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind- |
hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my |
sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. |
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. |
Your loving wife. XXX |
Oh, P.S: Your girlfriend phoned. |
 |
| I'm So Sorry! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Barbara Alpern via SyH – Let Me Enjoy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I still can't work a VCR Or program a computer (I flunked a night school seminar and stupified the tutor)
I do not own a push up bra
A cellphone or Jacuzzi
I'm not quite clear on Yo-Yo Ma
And white wine makes me woozy.
I don't work with hunks named Bjorn
Or any private trainer.
Instead I watch "A Star is Born"
The one with Janet Gaynor.
I never wear athletic shoes
Or jog with gasping ladies
For God's sake let me grab a snooze
And just enjoy my eighties (or 70s, 60s, 50s –whatever fits!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – Growing Up Jewish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Growing up Jewish:
If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish
population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the
following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........
The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation:
THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel , the Cellulites.
The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go! You might meet somebody!"
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Sunday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday when he got back and called us to the table.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven..
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz). (what about sky or off? )
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean..
Kaynahurra.
You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome
snack.
You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel
cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants..
You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.) (or knishes from Brighton Beach )
Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc..) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.
You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for chatting about how great life is !!
fROM Aunt Marilyn – Growing Up Jewish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Growing up Jewish:
If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish
population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the
following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........
The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation:
THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel , the Cellulites.
The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go! You might meet somebody!"
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Sunday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday when he got back and called us to the table.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven..
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz). (what about sky or off? )
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean..
Kaynahurra.
You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome
snack.
You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel
cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants..
You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.) (or knishes from Brighton Beach )
Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc..) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.
You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for chatting about how great life is !!
Zei gezunt!! (be healthy!)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email! Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011. All Rights Reserved.
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011. All Rights Reserved.
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