18 March 2011

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com  (full media) and
 at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
 

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

18 March 2011

Hi Everyone!  

Spring is springing all around … hope you’re enjoying some great weather!  If not, these should get a smile on your face!  Have a superdooper weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·       Fred Silver – Men are just born this way!

·       Stan Kegel - The Spell Checker 

·       Barry - World's Scariest License Plate Number 

·      Feedblitz – A Crumby Deal

·      Eddie – Clarifying Reality

·      SyH – Just for the Pun of It

·      Feedblitz – Look Sharp!

·      Chuck – A St. Patrick’s Day Joke

·      Tom Sokolowski – Best Shutup Line Ever

      ·      Denny Adams – The Lizard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Fred Silver – Men are just born this way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - The Spell Checker 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To make sure you have spelled everything right, always run everything through a spell checker. We do. This is actually a poem about the Spell Checker. We ran it through and no spelling errors at all.

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks for my revue
Mistakes I do not sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this message threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh,

My checker tolled me sew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 fROM Barry - World's Scariest License Plate Number 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

I might try to pass her, but I damn sure wouldn't honk my horn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – A Crumby Deal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Crumby Deal

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Eddie – Clarifying Reality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm confused about the word " Service" used with these agencies: Internal Revenue ' Service ', U.S. Postal ' Service ', Telephone ' Service ', Civil ' Service ', Customer ' Service '. This is not what I thought ' Service ' meant.

Today, I overheard two farmers.. one said he had hired a bull to ' Service ' all his cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM SyH – Just for the Pun of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk. "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mounatain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

He swallowed them hawk, lion, and stinker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Feedblitz – Look Sharp!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chuck – A St. Patrick’s Day Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Irishmen left the bar early..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Tom Sokolowski – Best Shutup Line Ever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian  treasure!'  
 
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.  Read his reply to the lady who 
interviewed him concerning guns and children.  This is one of the best comeback lines of all
 time. It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and 
General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military 
Headquarters.   
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach 
these young boys when  they visit your base?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and 
shooting.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the 
rifle range.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity 
to be teaching  children?  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline 
before they  even touch a firearm.  
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.  
 
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're 
not one, are you?  
 
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Denny Adams – The Lizard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint,

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river
--

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, Hey you!’

So the koala looked down at him and said  ‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink!?’

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box.  I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.  That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe?  Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES will one day be found again at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski  Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2011.  All Rights Reserved.