Friday, September 23, 2011
the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com
Lotsa
pictures at the beginning and at the end
this week … get ready to laugh! J DrB
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Comments & Contributors
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·
Richard Sziede – This is My Goal
·
John Meeker – Donkey in the Well
·
John Meeker – New Scam
·
Fred Silver – Computer Error
·
Chas Young – Call to the Vet
·
Steve Hirsch – New Condoms
·
Alberto Ramos – Investments 2012
·
Chas Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
·
Jill via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….
·
Ken – Texting for Seniors
· Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define
Irony for Me
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From Richard
Sziede – This is My Goal
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From John Meeker – Donkey in the Well
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One
day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for
hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and
the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He
invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels
and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and saw
something amazing. He was astonished. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.
As
the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would
shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life
is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW
-------- Enough of that...
The
donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash
from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic
shock.
MORAL
FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When
you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite
you.
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From John Meeker – New Scam
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A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Target customers.
A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Target customers.
Over
the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply
going out to get a few odds and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!
Here's
how the scam works:
Two
seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield
with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a
tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Target
or Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I
had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and
24th. Also Sept 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very
likely again this upcoming weekend.
So,
please be careful during these trying times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Fred
Silver – Computer Error
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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have
trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric,
the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but none the
less enquired ,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I
need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of
an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
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From Chas Young – Call to the Vet
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,"
agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog at her house while they were away
on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep
them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens to dogs when they
mate.
She was unable to separate them and was perplexed as to what
to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang
up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back
and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he'll be
able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
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From Steve
Hirsch – New Condoms
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A great read.
http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/trojan-introduces-no-ones-pleasure-condoms-for-bit,17781/?mobile=true
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Alberto
Ramos – Investments 2012
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(Aside: The Internet is amazing – Al & I have been friends since 5th grade!)
(Aside: The Internet is amazing – Al & I have been friends since 5th grade!)
Investment tips for 2012:
With all the turmoil in the market today
and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of
America this might be some good advice.
If you have any money left, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later on
this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay
Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace .
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and
Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and
become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors,
Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its
competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are
expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National
Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &
Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
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From Chas
Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
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The boss had
to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an
impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a
horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra,
I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could
you jack off?" she replied, "I really feel like shit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Jill
via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man wakes up
in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and
everything,
but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't
find it."
The man
groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new
penis. They
work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000
an inch."
The man perks
up.
"So,"
the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But
I understand
that you have been married for over thirty years and this
is something
you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If
you had a nine
incher before and you decide to only invest in a five
incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in
helping you make a decision."
The man agrees
to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor
comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I
have," says the man.
"And has
she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
says the man.
"What is
your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're
getting granite countertops."
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From Ken – Texting for Seniors
From Ken – Texting for Seniors
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Texting for
Seniors:
* ATD - At the
Doctor's
* BFF - Best
Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring
the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring
Your Own Teeth
* CBM -
Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See
You at the Senior Center
* DWI -
Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB -
Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW -
Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found
Your Insulin
* GGPBL -
Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got
Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had
Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My
Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO -
Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living
on Lipitor
* LWO -
Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My
Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh
My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU -
Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT -
Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk
to You Louder
* WAITT - Who
Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet
the Furniture Again
* WTP -
Where're the Prunes
* WWNO -
Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these
help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define Irony for Me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Have a
terrific weekend!
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