Friday, September 23, 2011

the fRIDAY fUNNIES are located at
http://thefridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com

Lotsa pictures at the beginning and at the end  this week … get ready to laugh!   J DrB

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Comments & Contributors
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·      Richard Sziede – This is My Goal

·      John Meeker – Donkey in the Well

·      John Meeker – New Scam

·      Fred Silver – Computer Error

·      Chas Young – Call to the Vet

·      Steve Hirsch – New Condoms

·      Alberto Ramos – Investments 2012

·      Chas Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

·      Jill via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….

·      Ken – Texting for Seniors

·      Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define Irony for Me

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From Richard Sziede – This is My Goal

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From John Meeker – Donkey in the Well

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and saw something amazing. He was astonished. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW -------- Enough of that...

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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From  John Meeker – New Scam

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A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Target customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few odds and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Target or Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and 24th. Also Sept 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, please be careful during these trying times.

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From Fred Silver – Computer Error

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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have

trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric,

the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved

the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him,

'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but none the

less enquired ,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I

need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of

an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll

figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

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From Chas Young – Call to the Vet

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat," agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.  

As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens to dogs when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and was perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 

"It just worked for me" he replied.

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From Steve Hirsch – New Condoms

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A great read.

NEW CONDOMS   =  

http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/trojan-introduces-no-ones-pleasure-condoms-for-bit,17781/?mobile=true

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From Alberto Ramos – Investments 2012

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(Aside: The Internet is amazing – Al & I have been friends since 5^th grade!)

Investment tips for 2012:

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.

If you have any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace .

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

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From Chas Young - Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.  Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.  Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.  The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she replied, "I really feel like shit."

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From Jill via the ImberBabe – A Man Wakes Up ….

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained

consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and

everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't

find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance

compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new

penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000

an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But

I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this

is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five

incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If

you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five

incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a

role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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From Ken – Texting for Seniors

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Texting for Seniors:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* TTYL - Talk to You Louder

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

* WTP - Where're the Prunes

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~From Alan Knight AND from Irv Robbins – Define Irony for Me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

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Have a terrific weekend!

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