The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie - May 9 2014 edition
Retirement looms imminently for the doctor ... getting pretty excited and yet a bit apprehensive! Words from the wise would probably go a long way!A couple of weeks ago, one of my oldest friends (we go back to the mid 60s) asked what is the oldest joke. Who knows??? So on Facebook, I posted this question on a group site of people who share memories of the Borscht Belt of the Catskill Mountains in New York state. A gazillion comedians launched there careers at the hotels of the area going back about 75 years or so.
Figuring I'd get just a couple of submissions, now there appears to be more every week. I've included a sampling here for your smiling pleasure. Note, these are about as corny as corny jokes can get! You've been warned!
Note, too, that if you think you know of an 'oldest joke' candidate, shoot it over so we all can groan together! STAY COOL and have a super weekend. A belated Star Wars greeting to you all: "May the 4th be with you!" Dr Bernie
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Steve Zetlin: The famished hotel guest becomes annoyed when the waiter’s thumb is sticking in the egg drop soup, but not wanting to make an issue out of it, the guest orders consomme soup, but again the waiter’s thump is clearly in the soup. Still agitated, the guest orders minestrone, and for the third time the thumb’s in the soup. After dessert the guest finally builds up the courage to confront the waiter. “ Just wanted you to know that I didn’t appreciate your thumb being in my soup.” The waiter replies,” Look, I have arthritis, and my doctor says I should keep my thumb in a warm place.” The guest snaps,” Yeah, you know where you can stick your thumb! " And the waiter says. “ Yeah, I do that in the kitchen."
Steven Elkin: Alan King performs for the Queen of England and after the show the Queen says it's nice to meet you Mr. King and Alan replies it's nice to meet you Mrs. Queen.
Steven Elkin: A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable? the man says, I make a good living. courtesy Henny Youngman!
Steven Elkin: I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport!
Steven Elkin: The Dr. gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the Dr. gave him another 6 months!
Steven Elkin: The Dr. called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs Cohen, your check came back. Mrs Cohen replied, So did my Arthritis!
Steven Elkin: short summary of a jewish hoilday: they tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
Steven Elkin: Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a jewish mother on the street and said Lady I haven't eaten in three days. Force yourself, she replied!
Scott Sklar: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nanci Garrett Domarew: Jewish Mothers don't change light bulbs.
Steve Zetlin: What have Jewish girls from Long Island never, heard? ... “Good morning, shoppers. Welcome to K-Mart."
Neal Flomenbaum: A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily.
Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.
A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"
Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"Morris responds, "They'll find us!!
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