The Friday Funnies by Dr Bernie - May 14 2014 edition

Retirement is even closer for the doctor ... the first of many forms have been submitted to the bureaucracy ... I gave my last live lecture last night ... Final exams and final projects will be done on Friday ... hence this early edition of the funnies.

This week, we've got a couple of real zingers .. and again repeating, a couple of weeks ago, Dr Neal asked me what is the oldest joke.  Who knows???  So on Facebook, I posted this question on a group site of people who share memories of the Borscht Belt of the Catskill Mountains in New York state.  A gazillion comedians launched there careers at the hotels of the area going back about 75 years or so.

Corny warning!  And a lot of these are pretty Borscht Belt / Jew-ey ... again, you've been warned ... and be sure to get to the bottom for the funny from cousin Rosie B.

Finally, if you think you know of an 'oldest joke' candidate, shoot it over so we all can groan together!  And if you know of a non-oldest joke, shoot that over too! 

STAY COOL and have a super weekend.     Dr Bernie
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from Annie Shum: The Weather Forecasting Stone

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from Dr Steven I - The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.  George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey, Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"  She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the heck are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Oldest Joke Candidates:

Josh Backon: Irving and Murray have been partners in the shmatta business for 50 years and make a pact that whoever dies first will come back to the other in a dream and tell how life is upstairs. Murray dies. Irving asks how life is and Murray relates: "I get up every morning, have a huge breakfast, then wild sex and sleep to lunch. Then comes a huge lunch followed by wild sex and then I sleep until supper. Then comes a huge supper followed by wild sex and then I sleep until morning". Irving says, "That's fantastic!" and Murray replies, "What fantastic? I'M A BEAR IN YELLOWSTONE PARK!!"

Daniel F Smith: Why don't they put Jews in jail? Because they eat Lox!!!

Scott Sklar: The punchline to How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None I'll sit in the dark and suffer.....................

Vincent L. Nappi: 
 Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

 Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

 Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. ..Henny Youngman

Allan Stein: What's the difference between a Jewish princess and a regular princess? A regular princess is a virgin before she gets married. A Jewish princess becomes a virgin after she gets married.

Norman Shere: Why do Jewish mothers make good parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence

Daniel F Smith: it was the end of the Woodstock Festival in '69, when I saw this Dude with one shoe. I asked; "Dude! You lost a shoe?" He replied : " No Man.., I found one!"

Ruth Aronowitz Dickstein: A prostitute came to my house and said for $50 she'll do anything. Really anything? Go paint the kitchen! - Rodney Dangerfield

Michael Benemowitz: my wife told me to take out the garbage, I replied you made it you take it out Rodney D

Vincent L. Nappi: I Met this Squaw,she Said "HOW"....So I showed her!

Michael Benemowitz: my wife's car is constantly breaking down, so I got the perfect 2nd car - a tow truck, Mal Z Lawrence

Steven Elkin

 - I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays! Henny Youngman

 -  A bum asked me give me $10 till payday. I asked when's payday? he said I don't know, you're the one who is working! Henny Youngman

 -  I was just in London-there is an 8 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.When I go to bed, I feel hungry. Henny Youngman

 -  My Mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.- Buddy Hackett

 -  My Grandfather always said, don't watch your money, watch your health. so one day while I was watching my health,someone stole my money. it was my Grandfather!-Jackie Mason

 -  Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass? because it's the last time he'll put his foot down!

 -  Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, send one of my bags to NY, send one to LA, and send one to Miami. She said, we can't do that. I told her, you did it last week!-Henny Youngman

 -  A man goes to a psychiatrist. the Dr. says you're crazy. the man says I want a second opinion! ok, you're ugly too!-Henny Youngman

 -  A bum came up to me saying I haven't eaten in two days! I said, you should force yourself!-Henny Youngman

 -  During sex , my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. just the other night she called me from a hotel !-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  I was such an ugly kid...when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up!-Rodney Dangerfiled

 -  I could tell my parents hated me. my bath toys were a toaster and a radio!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My mom is hard of hearing she asked me want I wanted for my birthday and I said dvds. She got me bvds!-  -

 -  I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal!-Rodney Dangerfield

 -  My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex, she called me from Chicago last night!-Rodney Dangerfield

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from cousin Rosie B - Jewish Computers
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM.  The price is so  low... even with the shipping from Israel!  However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a  'Let's go!  I'm not getting any younger!' button. 

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.  

3) The cursor moves from right to left. 

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?' 

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.' 

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'  

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message. 

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'  

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.  

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). 

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault'  error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'  

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' 

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!' 

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. 

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.' 

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...

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//  Happy Friday Funnies!
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