Hi Everyone!
Back in the saddle after a visit to the hospital. All is well. YAY! Hope you like these!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Marty Brake – Another One of Those Days ….
• indexed – Better Than a Poke in the Eye
• susan via SymanSays – Chocolate
• Mark Colman – A Story With a Moral
• Barbara Rosenberg – Las Vegas Churches
• Stan Kkegel – Puns
• Sheldon Berger – Golf for Beginners
• Elyse - Confession
• Frank Ingrassia – For You …
• the ImberBabe – This Really Happened!
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fROM Marty Brake – Another One of Those Days ….
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(REGAN)
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fROM indexed – Better Than a Poke in the Eye
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fROM susan via SymanSays - Chocolate
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(Aside from DrB … and I’m trying to diet this week! Ugh!)
Chocolate is a Vegetable.
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean=vegetable.
Sugar is derived from eityher sugar Cane or sugar Beets.
Both are plants, which places them in the begetable categor.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins,cherries, orange slices and strawberries all cunt as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've bot melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem : How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devasted. You can't let that happen, can you?
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fROM Mark Colman – A Story With a Moral
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle...
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Las Vegas Churches
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Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips
this may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
you didn't even see it coming did you?
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fROM Stan Kegel - Puns
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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny. After all, I was just trying to sweeten the pot.
A New York fashion designer warns that if hemlines get any shorter, women won't dare sit down and men won't dare stand up.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow for the tooth, why not put a needle and thread? That way he'll realize that "wishing won't make it sew". (Harrison Cockerill from Ruminations)
A guy applies to Social Security for disability status. They ask what his disability is. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work."
Bill Gorman sat at the bar with his friend. "My new novel is almost complete. But I have to find a way to 'dispose of' the mad scientist.
"There's no way any of the characters can knock him off, so I'll accept some sort of deus-ex-machina solution. But I've tried several and I'm not happy with the way any of them turns out." "Why not an aneurism?" asked Paul. "Not bad," Bill replied. "Hmmm... a stroke of genius."
A Hindu yogi was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said, "No. I can transcend dental medication."
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fROM Sheldon Berger – Golf for Beginners
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fROM Elyse - Confession
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An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
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fROM Frank Ingrassia – For You …
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For all you guys... hilarious!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhilbbeUc0g
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FROM THE IMBERBABE – THIS REALLY HAPPENED!
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ME: MY COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING AND I AM INTERESTED IN A HARD DRIVE DOCKING STATION
DELL: (AFTER 10 MINUTES TO CHECK MY COMPUTER'S CONFIGURATION) WE HAVE A COMPATIBLE PORT REPLICATOR
ME: I DON'T WANT A PORT REPLICATOR. I WANT TO REMOVE MY HARD DRIVE AND ATTACH IT TO ANOTHER COMPUTER
DELL: YOU CAN JUST USE AN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE TO COPY YOUR FILES FROM YOUR COMPUTER
ME: I CAN'T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER DIED.
DELL: YOU NEED TO TALK TO ONE OF OUR TECHNICIANS
DELL TECHNICIAN: I HAVE A WESTERN DIGITAL EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE FOR YOU.
ME: I NEED A HARD DRIVE ENCLOSURE OR A DOCKING STATION THAT IS COMPATIBLE WITH MY HARD DRIVE.
DELL TECHNICIAN: (AFTER 10 MINUTES TO CHECK ON MY COMPUTER'S CONFIGURATION) WE HAVE AN ENCLOSURE FOR YOU.
ME: (SUSPICIOUSLY SINCE I NOW HAVE NO CONFIDENCE THAT THEY FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT) CAN YOU TELL ME THE MAKE AND MODEL OF THIS ENCLOSURE?
DELL TECHNICIAN: ARE YOU LOOKING AT OUR WEB SITE? I CAN GIVE YOU THE PART NUMBER.
DELL TECHNICIAN: A1607343
ME: THAT IS AN INTERNAL ENCLOSURE. I NEED AN EXTERNAL ENCLOSURE!! LET ME GIVE YOU THE PART NUMBER OF THE ITEM I WAS LOOKING AT.
DELL TECHNICIAN: (AFTER 10 MINUTES OF CHECKING MY COMPUTER'S CONFIGURATION) YES THAT IS COMPATIBLE WITH YOUR HARD DRIVE
AND FOR THIS I WAS CONNECTED ALL THE WAY TO INDIA!! I HATE COMPUTERS.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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