16 October 2009
Hi Everyone! Halloween is comin’ … so we’re starting to get ready … and I just LOVE Chas’ “2 Sisters & a Bull”. Have a GREAT weekend … even if it’s miserable outside!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Stan Kegel – Halloween Puns
· Chas Young – Just Fred
· Paul Keister – Sermon Fodder
· Garry Lederman – The Economy is So Bad …
· Frank Ingrassia – Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better
· Barbara Rosenberg – The Mature Woman Driver
· another from Chas – Two Sisters & a Bull
· Fred Silver – Female Compassion
· Irving4 – Shades of Candid Camera
· Tom Sokolowski – Why Dogs Don’t Like Halloween
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fROM Stan Kegel – Halloween Puns
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Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
fROM Stan Kegel – Halloween Puns
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Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to use them later for cold cuts!
What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead end street
What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister?
An aunt-eater!
What do you call a skeleton that won't get out of bed?
Lazy Bones
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Chas Young – Just Fred ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies. ‘Fred what?’ the officer asks. ‘Just Fred,’ the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’ The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’ The officer walked away in tears, laughing. |
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fROM Paul Keister – Sermon Fodder
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The pastoral prayer I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday prayer.....
fROM Paul Keister – Sermon Fodder
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The pastoral prayer I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday prayer.....
'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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fROM Garry Lederman – The Economy is So Bad …
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- I got a pre-declined card in the mail
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf
- If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", call them and ask if they meant you or them
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore
- The Mafia is laying off 25 Congressmen
fROM Garry Lederman – The Economy is So Bad …
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- I got a pre-declined card in the mail
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf
- If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", call them and ask if they meant you or them
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names
- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore
- The Mafia is laying off 25 Congressmen
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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better
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Good news at last. Guaranteed to make you feel better
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Guaranteed to Make You Feel Better
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Good news at last. Guaranteed to make you feel better
Val Kilmer
Mickey Rourke
Brendan Fraser
Russel Crowe
Alec Baldwin
Richard Gere
Roger Moore
ArnoldSchwarzenegger
Pierce Brosnan
Clint Eastwood
Rod Stewart
ARE YOU FEELING BETTER NOW?
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Mature Woman Driver
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A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – The Mature Woman Driver
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A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
I just did!
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another from Chas – Two Sisters & a Bull
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
another from Chas – Two Sisters & a Bull
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
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fROM Fred Silver – Female Compassion
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Female compassion at its best!
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
fROM Fred Silver – Female Compassion
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Female compassion at its best!
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
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fROM Irving4 – Shades of Candid Camera
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Excellent!
fROM Irving4 – Shades of Candid Camera
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Excellent!
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Why Dogs Don’t Like Halloween
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Why Dogs Don’t Like Halloween
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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