Hi Everyone!
Hope you like ‘em … apologies for not being able to get ‘em out on Friday! What a week! Hopefully, I glue ‘em together on Wednesday next week! Yay! Enjoy the weekend, the week, whatever!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• indexed - Piranhas, Chainsaws, Wolves, Knives, Whatnot
• Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
• Joel Goldstein – Birds and Bees
• Syman Says – I’m a Senior Citizen
• Tom Sokolowski – How to Get to Heaven from Ireland
• Barbara Rosenberg – Grammar Lesson
• Two Beggars in Rome
• Fred Silver - Family Planning Advice
• Barbara Rosenberg – Light On, Light Off
• Fred Silver – Two Nuns
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FROM INDEXED - PIRANHAS, CHAINSAWS, WOLVES, KNIVES, WHATNOT.
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fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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RIDDLES
Why was the cannibal policeman arrested?
He was caught grilling his suspects.
What kind of paper is best for making kites?
flypaper.
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
What did the flower say to its guests?
You may be seeded.
Where do one-legged women like to eat?
At iHop.
Why did the blonde fill her water bed with beer.
So she'd have a foam mattress.
What did the thief do at the goose farm?
He took a gander
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fROM Joel Goldstein – Birds and Bees
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fROM Syman Says – I’m a Senior Citizen
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Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen: -From Tom-
I'm the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you are saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm not really grouchy.
I'm wrinkled, soggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life!
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – How to Get to Heaven from Ireland
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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Grammar Lesson
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n his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was
very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And
that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
reposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.
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fROM Britton via Sokolowski - Two Beggars in Rome
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Two Beggars in Rome-- are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David..
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
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fROM Fred Silver - Family Planning Advice
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THE BEST HOSPITAL SIGN EVER?
Where else but in the UK National Health?
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Light On, Light Off
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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come
back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you
doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the Bathroom, *poof !*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof !*, the
light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is fine, but I had to call you because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and *poof !*, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when
he's done, *poof !*, the light goes off?"
"OH MY GOSH!" Ethel exclaims.
"He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!"
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fROM Fred Silver – Two Nuns
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There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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