Hi Everyone!
Some photos at the end, some great groaners at the beginning, and some very creative insanity in the middle. Enjoy!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – GROANERS
• Neil Stenlake – Food
• Tom Sokolowski – Tiger Jokes
• Dennis via Barry - How to offer respect,,,,and mean it,,,
• Joanne Tenaglio – Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping
• Paul Keister – Insults Before 4-Letter Words
• feedblitz – Yes, Even Bears
• Sokolowski – This Can’t End Well
• Elyse – Are You Shopping at the Wrong Bookstore
• cousin Eliane & from Dave Thorn – Woods Family Portrait
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fROM Stan Kegel - GROANERS
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe (Richard Lederer).
People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called?
Christmas cards (Richard Lederer)
At Christmas we always exchange presents. I exchange the one she gives me, she exchanges the one I give her.
At Christmas time every girl wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.
The poem, "The Night Before Christmas" relates a single event on Santa's famous trip. What famous American novel chronicles the whole ride?
"The Deer Sleigher" (Stan Kegel)
Why did the teacher throw homework into the ocean?
She wanted to test the water
When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is?
Partial post (Cynthia MacGregor)"
Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped.
What do monsters turn on when it is hot?
A scare conditioner
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fROM Neil Stnlake - Food
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A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
'Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again... 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me . I'm starving!'
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Tiger Jokes
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Joke 1: Did you hear that Tiger hit a fire hydrant and a tree...he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Joke 2: They asked Tiger's wife what she was doing out of the house at 2 in the morning and she said she was out clubbing.
Joke 3: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a Titleist golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball over 350 yards.
Joke 4: Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Joke 5: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Joke 6: This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.
Joke 7: Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Joke 8: After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
Joke 9: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Joke 10: Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree, hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "
Joke 11: I'm not surprised to hear about Tiger's crash - he hasn't been able to drive straight for years
Joke 12: Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. Said the clubs are to be named Elin Woods... and marketed as "clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Joke 13: Claims that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now have been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the shit out of the Driver.
Joke 14: News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger."
Joke 15: Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah
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fROM Dennis via Barry - How to offer respect,,,,and mean it,,,
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Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences!"
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fROM Joanne Tenaglio – Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping
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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?) What? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothin' to lose!
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fROM Paul Keister – Insults Before 4-Letter Words
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, and I know you will enjoy them..
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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fROM feedblitz – Yes, Even Bears
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fROM Sokolowski – This Can’t End Well
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I suppose this gives new meaning to the expression "Shit happens!"
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fROM Elyse – Are You Shopping at the Wrong Bookstore
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fROM cousin Eliane & from Dave Thorn – Woods Family Portrait
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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