26 March 2010

Hi Everyone!

Happy Passover, Happy Easter, Happy Everything! Hope you get a chuckle out of these!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
• Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
• Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
• Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
• BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
• Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
• Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
• Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
• Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
• Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center

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fROM the Joker via SymanSays – Reasons Why the English Language is Fun
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Reasons Why The English Language Is Such Fun To Learn:

** The farm was used to produce produce.
** He could lead if he could get the lead out.
** Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
** When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
** There was a row among the oarsman about how to row.
** They were too close to the door to close it.
** A buck does funny things when the does are present.
** After a number of injections my jaw got number.
** Upun seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
** How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?


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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Dear Tide
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Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

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fROM Neal Flomenbaum and from Barbara Rosenberg – Wishing You a Happy Passover
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fROM Stan Kegel – Just for the Pun of It
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If many people get to really liking the President and his following increases, might there be a "Barackacy?"
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Guitarists fret a lot.
The ladies who carry tiny dogs in their purses inspire us to make a new word: pooch pouch.
I had a job in the spice factory, but it was seasonal.

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fROM BigGuyHereAgain via SymanSays – Smile, It Does the Body Good!
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A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband, He's still not seeing things my way."

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fROM Dave Thorn – An Italian Confession
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Bless Me, Father for I have sinned... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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fROM Neil Stenlake - Rednecks
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Redneck Yard Swing



A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . ..
. but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Redneck Cooler

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies ......"Go ahead."

Redneck Cellar

Redneck Garden

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks
to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Redneck Time Out

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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Ouch!
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because..." she replied ...
"I really miss mine"

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fROM Garry Lederman – The Fun Part of Getting Old
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Fall Classes at the Adult Learning Center
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Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., November 21, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Go to the Restroom by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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