04 June 2010

4 JUNE 2010

This week in the fRIDAY fUNNIES ...

• ·      FRANK INGRASSIA – THEY WALK AMONG US!
• ·      DENNY ADAMS – THE NUN
• ·      FRED SILVER – ELDERLY – NOT FOR SISSIES!
• ·      TOM SOKOLOWSKI – TEQUILA MIRACLE DRUG: (listen carefully to the disclaimer!)
• ·      TOM SOKOLOWSKI – BEARS
• ·      SYMANSAYS – DOLLAR BILL AND BLUE PAJAMAS
• ·      DENNY ADAMS – THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS
• ·      SOKOLOWSKI – 3 ROSES
• ·      SYMANSAYS – JOKE OF THE DAY
• ·      STACIE RABINOWITZ – STAR WARS COOKIE CUTTERS

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From  FRANK INGRASSIA – THEY WALK AMONG US!

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YES, THEY WALK AMONG US

Why our country is in trouble????

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in    Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a    Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' ( OMG )

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' ( OMG , again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A    New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. An aide for Senator John Kerry (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from    AL who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola ,    Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to    China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a 'Rhino' anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the State of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

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From DENNY ADAMS – THE NUN

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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.” Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.” Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life!” Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.” She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

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From FRED SILVER – ELDERLY – NOT FOR SISSIES!

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An elderly gentleman..... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' --- Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' --- An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' --- Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. --- Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' --- A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' --- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..' --- Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' --- One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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From TOM SOKOLOWSKI – TEQUILA MIRACLE DRUG:
  (listen carefully to the disclaimer!)

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From TOM SOKOLOWSKI - BEARS

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Bears

Your going to love this one.

http://www.wservernews.com/816HEC/100531-Algonquin-Park

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From SYMANSAYS – DOLLAR BILL AND BLUE PAJAMAS

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The Dollar Bill:  -From Bill@billrayborn.com-

A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired. As they moved

along the conveyor belt to the shredder, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life." the twenty proclaimed.

"Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami."

"Wow, said the single, "you really have gotten around."

"So tell me," said the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, The Presbyterian Church, The Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church, the

Orthodox Church, Assembly of God Church, the Brethren Church, and the United Church of Christ..."

And the twenty says, What's a church?"

---
The Blue Pajamas:  -From FreeGags-

A man calls home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and the hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good

trip, dear?"

The man replies, Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box."

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From DENNY ADAMS – THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS

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The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, “The Goldberg Air Conditioner” on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show “Lo”, “Norm”, “Hi”, and “Max” on the controls.

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From SOKOLOWSKI – 3 ROSES

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        A sexually active woman tells  her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in  size because they were too loose and floppy.Out of embarrassment she  insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the  surgeon agreed.

         Awakening from the anesthesia  after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her  on the bed.

         Outraged, she immediately  calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to  tell anyone about my operation! The surgeon told her he had  carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose  was from him:

         'I felt sad because you went  through this all by yourself.'

         'The second rose is from my  nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she  had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

         'And what about the third rose  ?' she asked.

That's from a man upstairs in  the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.' 

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From SYMANSAYS – JOKE OF THE DAY

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JOKE OF THE DAY:   -From Kim Komando-

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit. He liked to eat grass. Nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside, and ssw his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

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From STACIE RABINOWITZ – STAR WARS PANCAKE CUTTERS

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